Blog entry for:

trust my all too human and less than perfect peers? i mean seriously, if i buy intro the fact, and i certainly do, that i have a chronic, fatal and incurable condition called addiction, i NEED help that i can count on. more than once have i heard those on the edges of recovery and the rooms, express dismay about how human they see the members and wonder if any of us get any better, ever. the sad fact of life is humans are flawed, fallible and prone to fits of less than stellar behavior, even those who are religious or are in that other 85% bucket.
before i get rolling a bit of business to deal with:

1. To my friends and readers in Florida, stay safe and heed the advice to get your asses to higher ground, you are certainly under the gun.
2. Tina B
   32 years of doing this gig, Just for Today.
   What an amazing accomplishment,
   you provide me the HOPE i need to keep on doing this gig.

one of my most glaring shortcomings, is wanting to look better through the eyes of others, than i actually am. i want to appear to be on a higher spiritual plane, have more understanding of myself and the world around me and be able to carry myself with grace and aplomb, through the most trying and mind-boggling experiences that life throws at me. for years in active addiction it was the second-most important desire on my plate and not that far behind the finding the ways and means to get high. it is a sad refrain and one i carried with me into abstinence, recovery and active recovery. only now, after many days of doing this gig, am i starting to let go of how i think others view me, and trying to show myself off to being better than i actually am.
this morning i feel a bit sad at the passing of my friend and sponsee Brian M. he was present on my last clean day celebration and got to be part of the crowd. unfortunately he decided that it was too hard to live anymore, struggling with addiction on top of his other issues, and ended his own life. for quite some time, i blamed myself for not being present enough for him, for not hanging out with him enough, for giving him too much space to occupy himself and for not hearing the warning signs. i saw myself as a BIG LOSER, because i did not stop him from hanging himself, and the text he sent just before said it all -- NOTHING!
today one day shy of my clean date, i can see that while all of that may be true, i could have and should have been, the fact is, i do not know if it would have made any difference and i NEED to let go of any responsibility i mistakenly believe i had in that tragic event. the fact of life, as sad as it is, is that i, by myself lack the power to stay clean. i lack the power to keep other addicts clean. i certainly lack the power to save anyone else form the self-destruction isolation and addiction may bring about. i am not a spiritual guru. i do not walk on water and i certainly do not have all the answers.
what i am, plain and simple, is just another addict in recovery and just for today, i am cool with that, feet of clay and all.

∞ DT ∞