Some memes

recovering addict is quite a label and one that i have been coming to terms with, across the course of my recovery. the question being, how does that term apply to me and is it one i can gratefully apply to myself? there is a line in the literature that refers to addicts as extraordinary people, and yet here i am working towards seeing myself as ordinary. when i do a deep dive down into what i feel and how i see myself, i detect that the last thing i ever wanted to be is “ordinary.” that comes from the years of living a lie and the fantasy of being someone i thought i could never be. the past year has been one of triumph over exploding who i thought i was and finding the ways and means to connect to my fellowship, when i was “stuck” at home. sitting in a live meeting last night, i was frustrated by what i thought i was not hearing, but as i drove home, i realized that being present, i was actually hearing exactly what i needed. i was grateful that i got over my prejudice about the behavior of my peers and let myself be a part of a meeting i had not attended in over eighteen months. if that is part of being an ordinary recovering addict, then i guess i am all in.
this morning, i am feeling all sorts of stuff, especially what the next few days may mean to me. as the anniversary of my last day using looms, i wonder if i really have this recovery gig down. i have stumbled through all sort of feelings; had to deal with the consequences of my parents getting old and the FEAR i have around my own aging process. i have been to Greece and left a comfortable and easy job and have started to esteem myself to the point of not allowing myself to settle for anything but equity and equality in my life. that last bit has caused more than enough friction, internally and externally, to keep me for reconsidering whether or not it is worth continuing down that path.
my mantra, coming into recovery was when the going gets tough, just quit. living life undercover, only reinforced that attitude and when i came to recovery, the last thing i wanted to do, was surrender. all my life i had given up, time and time again, even though i do my best to make it appear i was persevering. when my peers told me that i had to surrender to the recovery process, i certainly knew how to make it “look” as if i was doing so, and shared it very loudly to anyone who was withing earshot. today, being an ordinary recovering addict means that not only to i make it look like i am in recovery, i actually strive to live a program of active recovery. in other words my actions match my words, even when no one else is watching me. this morning, as i walk through the last day of my annual recovery cycle, i can take a bit of pride in getting almost another year clean, no matter what and starting on a journey of uncovering the person i really am, not the one that i have believed i was for so long. that is part of the whole ordinary, recovering addict identity i am grateful to live in today.

∞ DT ∞