Blog entry for:

completely bad nor completely good. after all, if they were perfect, they would not need this program.
ah, the sweet days of seeing all the members in the rooms through the lenses of my oh so rose colored glasses. what a hoot! i was so angry and rebellious when i finally decided that maybe recovery was the path fore me to take, that this particular phase of my early recovery did not happen until i was almost a year clean, and did not last but for a few weeks, if at all. i was so cynical when i came to the rooms, that finding fault, rather than seeing the good, was my favorite activity. that activity kept me separate and superior to the members in the room and allowed me the freedom to doubt recovery, and seek the loophole that would allow me to become just a social user, a state i never had, but one that i certainly hoped was possible, after all here was living proof that people who used the way i did, could stop using for extended periods of time....
the were a few members that did end up on a pedestal, and as i discovered how human they truly were, i was disappointed. but by and large, i am the the type that has great FAITH that the ugliest part of human nature will be expressed most of the time. it is that belief that allowed me to withdraw behind a wall of aloofness and arrogance that persists to this day. it will be a miracle, and one that i am counting on to happen, if the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS, removes that particular belief from my value structure and allows me the freedom to see people, those with whom i share my recovery with, those with whom i have a blood tie, and those with whom i do business with, as a mixture of positive and negative personality traits. i am growing weary of being a cynic and am willing, at least today, to become more that i ever was. so who has feet of clay today? well i do for sure, after all i am only human!

∞ DT ∞