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serene is one of those hyperboles that seem to float down from on high, every now and again, to describe someone with whom i share my recovery. i have used it in the past and it may have even been used to describe myself. i can honestly say that serenity is NOT my recovery super power, and i have yet to meet anyone who displays it on a consistent enough basis to qualify for theirs. as i stay clean and get past the next milestone in my recovery, my need to promote this little exercise has been diminished to ,the point, that tomorrow will be the last time i post a link to my latest blog on FaceBook. if one wants to continue to follow my musings and is will to do a bit of work for themselves, please bookmark this link: my latest and possibly greatest blog entry.
it is far from easy to grow up in the full view of my peers in recovery. they have seen all my childish and churlish behaviors. they are a far better judge of how far i have to go and how far that i have come, than all of the so-called “normal” people in my life. it often amazes me how oblivious many of those that i share my life with, truly are. it seems that they miss the point more often than not, that the old ways of interacting with me, just are not relevant anymore. i no longer crave their approval or attention and in fact, sometimes feel patronized when they grudgingly provide it to me. where once upon a time i needed the approval of others to bolster my self-worth, now i see it as trivial and at times condescending. the rationalization they provide is what i “always” needed and they are too set in their ways to change. what that means for me, is that i play their other game and just not talk about anything, as all i get is the same old lies and excuses. so i quietly do what i do and move along with my “real” life and leave them to theirs.
as my need for the attention and admiration of others declines, i see myself pulling away from social media, more and more. i can honestly say that there was a thrill the first time someone “liked” the link i posted to this exercise. well in the words of that famous blues artist BB King, the thrill is gone and what i feel i am left with is an obligation to stoke my ego. part of becoming who i am, is to let go of what once seemed to be a critical part of my make-up and see what rushes in to fill that empty space, as nature abhors a vacuum, or so it has been said. i am okay with my decision to start pulling back from the virtual world and put that energy into the real world i have avoided for so long. i know that every time i say i can't i really mean i won't even attempt to do it. well i may not be able to remove i can't from my vocabulary, but i certainly can and will try harder to do what is difficult and challenging for me, including cutting off the ways and means to get praise and strokes, just for today.

∞ DT ∞