Blog entry for:

the human side of my friends, acquaintances and peers.
this ties in so well with my whole bit about learning to trust and forgive someone in my life for their various sins against me, real or imagined. so i was about to go down the path of one of the evils of religion as i see it, when all of a sudden i saw that they too, are only doing the best they can do, regardless of what they purport to be. in fact, that is what this feels all about today, me doing the best i can, but acting as if i have some sort of SUPREME brand of recovery and spirituality. before i get rolling down the path of how i deal with my “feet of clay,” a quick shout-out:

Tina B
Congrats on thirty-one(31) years
of just for todays. Keep coming back!

so where was i? oh yeah feel of clay, namely mine. i want everyone to see me as better than i really am. i want to appear more serene, more wise, more together and more tolerant than all of my peers. i used to work very hard to do so, and often thought i was succeeding. what i discovered however was that all i was doing was driving off potential friend with my pomposity and know-it-all, attitude. i was arrogant, cruel and harsh and as i walked the path, i left the wounded behind me.i had something to offer everyone and you were going get, no matter what! the trouble i am having with trusting one of my peers, plays directly into the set of behaviors i am apt to practice, as i see them doing the exact same thing, fronting for something they are not and getting all butt-hurt when they are called out for it. been there, done that and certainly got the 'T'-shirt.
how then, did i ever begin to come back to earth and the fellowship when i thought so highly of myself, that i separated myself from the pack. in my FIRST STEP process, on this set of steps, i reached a point where i GOT the gift of desperation, not to be what i was not, anymore. not being what i am not, is a theme that has been running through this entire set of steps, it just took me until i was smack dab in the middle of my 12TH step for me to realize it. being what i am not is a tough gig to pull off, day after day, year after year. in fact sooner or later, someone or everyone will know that it is all an act. when i start sharing about what “we” or “you” as addicts SHOULD be doing, i have returned to my “see me as better than you” mode, that is so familiar to me. i have once again moved into in SUPREME recovery. the flip side of that equation is to dive into false humility and browbeat my ego into submission. pretending that i lack any knowledge, any serenity or any direction in my life, is once again an act to make those around me, think of my as something i am not and the nice part of this side, is that when m,y feet of clay are revealed, i look better in their eyes, as it appears i was living in a humble manner. i may not quite grasp what i am today, but oi certainly know what i am NOT, and walking the razor's edge of being who i feel to be, is a tough task to accomplish for anyone, let alone a recovering addict.
so as i walk through this day, the last one of my annual cycle, i will get to be what i am and leave what i am not, in the bit bucket of my undiserable traits, just for today.

∞ DT ∞