Blog entry for:

placing unrealistic expectations on myself as well as others. yes i do expect people with more clean time to behave in a certain manner, just as i do expect myself to be growing along those lines as well. yes it is disappointing to see addicts with “decades” of clean time behaving as if they were newcomers or even worse in the grip of active addiction. of course i realize that expectations are just premeditated resentments, and that as a whole human beings will never be able to live up to ant of my unrealistic expectations, and of course i will not be able to do so either.
as i stay clean, and as i continue to live a program of active recovery, these expectations of myself and my peers and fellow members are tempered by reality and <GASP> compassion and yes even in some cases pity. it really is sad that the belief that the number of days clean one may have is supposed to be an indicator of spiritual health. it certainly could be, and when i was a bare pup in recovery, it was certainly impressed upon me, that maybe it was, after all i was encouraged to choose a sponsor with more clean time than myself, as i had no clue what spiritual fitness was back in those days, so the ONLY criterion i could go on was longevity of absence from using. my how the worm has turned! what i have come to understand is all clean time means is that there is a chance that there may be some spiritual health present. with that little nugget safely stored away, i am beginning to alter those unrealistic expectations that were foisted upon me, and were fostered by the word and deed of those who were here when i got clean. part of that is the false humility i hear older members spouting off. when i hear words like “a few days clean” come out my mouth, i know that i am about to launch into into a share that lacks any real humility at all. and so it goes…
the REAL fact of the matter is that i AM getting better, i am getting more spiritually FIT and i am learning to forgive others and myself for being human, and most of my bullsh!t filter is getting more finely tuned. today i can hear the difference between an addict who is working to come to terms with the consequences of living a program of recovery and one who is merely parroting the words they learned in their first 90 days clean. i am starting to see, that many of the insights i need into my own journey through recovery do NOT come from those with decades clean, rather from those who are looking at this whole gig with less than a thousand days clean. most of all, as i start to intellectually approach my SECOND STEP, yet again, i am seeing that my definitions of sanity and insanity need to be revised, and it is up to me to open the horizon of my growth through this step cycle by allowing this gateway to be as wide open as possible. as i sit here with 12 years, 11 months, and 30 days clean, i can be comforted that although i miss the mark of the ideal recovering addict by a long shot, i have done everything in my power to foster my transformation into that paragon of virtue and serenity, by doing my step work and learning what my expectations are and how i can let go of them. i have come to see, that the destination, while noble and worth the effort, is not what is important here, it is the journey where my energy needs to be invested today.
so before the wind kicks up the smoke and ash again, i do believe i will hit the streets for a workout and one more step on my journey to becoming the best person that i can be.

∞ DT ∞