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living in reality! i know quite a bit about living in the fantasy created in active addiction, after a minute clean, i am still learning how to live in the real world and interact with those who are not addicts. life my no longer be a mystery to me, but it certainly does present challenges and opportunities for growth on a daily basis and it is up to me to live responsibly and face them, or face the consequences of letting them pass me by.
once upon a time, i believed i was complete and certainly whole. much to my dismay, after a bit of step work, i uncovered the fact that i was basically clueless and needed more than a bit of guidance to rethink and reconsider what i thought i “knew.” active addiction left me scarred and i am beginning to see that those wounds cut deep and some were festering for quite some time, before they were reopened and finally released. i certainly have more than enough healing to do, but IF i stay clean and live a program of recovery, there is certainly more than a little hope for this addict.as i am moving back into a place where i will be interacting with an addict who continues to set themself up for failure, i need to set some boundaries for myself. the one thing i know for sure, is that they will not be getting out on bond any day soon. whether or not our relationship continues depends on how i feel about the creating one where i do not lose myself in seething anger over their behavior and how they treat me. more will certainly be revealed as this day wears on, but i know that no matter what, i will stay clean until i go to bed this evening and because of that i will get the opportunity to choose to do what i need to stay clean tomorrow.
i am neither as good or as bad as i often tell myself, but simply human and an addict who is in recovery. today i can hear the lies and stories i may tell myself and dismiss them for what they are, tools that the part of me i call addiction is using to get me backed into a corner where my only escape may be the use of a substance. it really is not that far away, even though the last time i used was thousands of days ago. all that being said, i know that, for me, this program is all about just for today and allowing myself the freedom to be who i really am.

∞ DT ∞