โ i came into the fellowship feeling pretty poorly about myself โ
Posted: Tue, Sep 9, 2008 08:56:04 AM
by comparison, the recovering addicts i met at meetings seemed extraordinarily serene, wise and otherwise so beyond my experience that it was easy for me to place them on some sort of pedestal.
so anyhow, today, things are moving again, and i am returning to a level that is more comfortable for me, than the whole invalid trip over the past couple of days. the next task for this addict is to begin the process of getting off the pain medications, and that is a task i feel up to today.
a small digression, i know, but an important one, i still need to check in and allow those who are reading this entry the hope that they too can go through a surgery and return to recovery, so i will continue to update this as my life after surgery is revealed.
i have said it before, but in this context it does bear repeating, that when i came to recovery, i would have told you how highly i thought of myself, and how i looked down on the members that had tied their lives to this freak show. i know now, that was an overcompensation for how i really felt about myself, and what i really wanted was the respect from these members, and i also wanted what they had, which i felt was far beyond what i would ever be capable of achieving. so like the good addict i am, i jumped into service, accepted far too many positions and let my ego run with the myriad of titles i accumulated. i was far too bust stoking my own ego, to notice that the members i served with, and recovered with were just as human as i was. so when i finally woke-up and looked at my motives and where i was in the recovery process, there was little surprise to me, that the members i had idolized were just as flawed as i was. there were no super human, recovery gurus and that ninety-five percent of the membership was full of sh!t. the saving grace is the five percent, that were somewhat sane, was always shifting so that i too could be part of that minority from time to time.
so what does this have to do with today? well, for one, i make sure that my sponsees see me as the human being that i am, at least to the best of my ability. they are unable to see the messed up basket case of a person i was when i walked in, but they can certainly catch glimpses of that person from time to time, as that familiar poor behavior pops up to become part of the present tense. i am not recovered, nor am i in advanced recovery. i am just like the newest newcomer, just another addict doing his level best to stay clean today and live a life by a set of spiritual principles that have been given to me. speaking of that, it is time to hop in the shower and get moving forward with this day! hopefully my feet of clay will not reappear over the course of this day. but you never know.
so anyhow, today, things are moving again, and i am returning to a level that is more comfortable for me, than the whole invalid trip over the past couple of days. the next task for this addict is to begin the process of getting off the pain medications, and that is a task i feel up to today.
a small digression, i know, but an important one, i still need to check in and allow those who are reading this entry the hope that they too can go through a surgery and return to recovery, so i will continue to update this as my life after surgery is revealed.
i have said it before, but in this context it does bear repeating, that when i came to recovery, i would have told you how highly i thought of myself, and how i looked down on the members that had tied their lives to this freak show. i know now, that was an overcompensation for how i really felt about myself, and what i really wanted was the respect from these members, and i also wanted what they had, which i felt was far beyond what i would ever be capable of achieving. so like the good addict i am, i jumped into service, accepted far too many positions and let my ego run with the myriad of titles i accumulated. i was far too bust stoking my own ego, to notice that the members i served with, and recovered with were just as human as i was. so when i finally woke-up and looked at my motives and where i was in the recovery process, there was little surprise to me, that the members i had idolized were just as flawed as i was. there were no super human, recovery gurus and that ninety-five percent of the membership was full of sh!t. the saving grace is the five percent, that were somewhat sane, was always shifting so that i too could be part of that minority from time to time.
so what does this have to do with today? well, for one, i make sure that my sponsees see me as the human being that i am, at least to the best of my ability. they are unable to see the messed up basket case of a person i was when i walked in, but they can certainly catch glimpses of that person from time to time, as that familiar poor behavior pops up to become part of the present tense. i am not recovered, nor am i in advanced recovery. i am just like the newest newcomer, just another addict doing his level best to stay clean today and live a life by a set of spiritual principles that have been given to me. speaking of that, it is time to hop in the shower and get moving forward with this day! hopefully my feet of clay will not reappear over the course of this day. but you never know.
∞ DT ∞