ฮป i have always felt different from other people ฮป
Posted: Sun, Sep 13, 2009 09:02:19 AM
i know that i am not unique in feeling that way; because i hear many others share the same thing. the emptiness of being unique, is not what i really want to share about this morning, but it was an eye-opener to me, way back when, and the idea that i am not the only one who feels different from the billions of other human beings that inhabit this blue marble, is a notion that needs to be reinforced from time to time.
what i really heard this morning was the longing to be fulfilled that arises from the feeling of being the only one who feels like this. the feelings that arise from feeling like something is missing in myself and my spirit. the emptiness of not being quite whole. yes i know that is a big chunk of intellectual cheese to nibble at this morning, and that is all i can ever do, nibble away at the edges of ideas.
being different was once something i embraced, or wanted everyone to think i embraced. especially in those last days before i used for the very first time. it is true that before that event, i had sipped at my dad’s beer and had little cocktails prepared by my grandmother, but none of that really ever tripped the trigger, it was all foreplay and no consummation. back then,. i felt different and had felt different all my life, and as a rebellious teenager, living in the early 1970’s, being different was okay, in fact it was something that i cultivated to the max. that behavior was inadequate to address that empty feeling, so when i used and got high, i knew i had found what i was seeking -- finally i could be as different as i wanted to be, and not care. quite honestly, i was one of those in active addiction, where the drugs never stopped working, and had it not been for life circumstances forcing me into this brand new life, i do not know where i would have ended-up. so in those early days, as the fog lifted, and as i was hiding out in the wrong fellowship, the emptiness and despair consumed me enough that i was sent to see a shrink by my well intentioned but woefully uniformed outpatient counselor. the shrink diagnosed me with panic disorder, but suggested the 12 steps as the path to treating that disease and she was right, about the treatment, although i hardly think that the mental health issue was ever correctly diagnosed, except that i am an addict.
so what about right here and right now> this dalliance into the ancient past is fun and educational, but hardly addresses what is going on today. as the fallout of my 11th step finishes, i am starting to feel that i have become something more. yes i am still different from those who are not addicts, that will never change, BUT i know now, that all of us, addicts and non-addicts alike are searching for that special something to feel connected to. for me, i find it through the program that has given me this new direction and life, after all, it is only through this program that i have started to feel whole and wholesome, perhaps for the first time in my life and a as result, i do believe that i will allow it to work for me at least one more day.
so off to do a dawg walk, as i hit it too hard yesterday and need to stretch in a different direction. before i sign-off one last thought --
-- i am more than i have ever been, and the emptiness i feel today can be filled by accepting twhatever it is i need from a POWER greater than me.
what i really heard this morning was the longing to be fulfilled that arises from the feeling of being the only one who feels like this. the feelings that arise from feeling like something is missing in myself and my spirit. the emptiness of not being quite whole. yes i know that is a big chunk of intellectual cheese to nibble at this morning, and that is all i can ever do, nibble away at the edges of ideas.
being different was once something i embraced, or wanted everyone to think i embraced. especially in those last days before i used for the very first time. it is true that before that event, i had sipped at my dad’s beer and had little cocktails prepared by my grandmother, but none of that really ever tripped the trigger, it was all foreplay and no consummation. back then,. i felt different and had felt different all my life, and as a rebellious teenager, living in the early 1970’s, being different was okay, in fact it was something that i cultivated to the max. that behavior was inadequate to address that empty feeling, so when i used and got high, i knew i had found what i was seeking -- finally i could be as different as i wanted to be, and not care. quite honestly, i was one of those in active addiction, where the drugs never stopped working, and had it not been for life circumstances forcing me into this brand new life, i do not know where i would have ended-up. so in those early days, as the fog lifted, and as i was hiding out in the wrong fellowship, the emptiness and despair consumed me enough that i was sent to see a shrink by my well intentioned but woefully uniformed outpatient counselor. the shrink diagnosed me with panic disorder, but suggested the 12 steps as the path to treating that disease and she was right, about the treatment, although i hardly think that the mental health issue was ever correctly diagnosed, except that i am an addict.
so what about right here and right now> this dalliance into the ancient past is fun and educational, but hardly addresses what is going on today. as the fallout of my 11th step finishes, i am starting to feel that i have become something more. yes i am still different from those who are not addicts, that will never change, BUT i know now, that all of us, addicts and non-addicts alike are searching for that special something to feel connected to. for me, i find it through the program that has given me this new direction and life, after all, it is only through this program that i have started to feel whole and wholesome, perhaps for the first time in my life and a as result, i do believe that i will allow it to work for me at least one more day.
so off to do a dawg walk, as i hit it too hard yesterday and need to stretch in a different direction. before i sign-off one last thought --
-- i am more than i have ever been, and the emptiness i feel today can be filled by accepting twhatever it is i need from a POWER greater than me.
∞ DT ∞