Blog entry for:

the empty feeling i feel today is not for the lack of a Higher Power working in my life, it is about my desire to have an outcome that is beyond my ability to control. i have been getting severe lessons in powerlessness for the past 4 or 5 days and last night i finally shared about it in an open meeting. i am angry about the power addiction has over me and those i care about. and i am angry about the fact that i have NO POWER to change relieve their suffering and take their addiction away and let live in the sunlight of the spirit. naturally, the anger i feel is misplaced towards GOD, after all is it not GOD's job to take care of all of us and provide for our needs, including the remission of ADDICTION? are we not all entitled to living lives full of happiness and joy? what exactly is the reward for staying clean and practicing these principles after all? i have a man that has 17 years in this program dying of liver cancer, who will leave 5 children and his wife behind? where is the justice or even the mercy in that? i have been selfish and hurtful to my significant other for the past week even after many days of abstention from mood-altering substances and a couple cycles through the STEPS? where is my healing? where is GOD in protecting her from my misdeeds?
the truth is actually that GOD is right here if i choose to feel GOD's presence and surrender my will and life over to the care of GOD. all of my questions are part of life on life's terms, my behaviors, as hurtful as they are, are merely the expression of my self will and it is only my connection with the divine that allows me to see what my part is and gives me the desire and the means to not only correct the damage i have done, but work towards amending my life so the damage does not need to be done again. cancer is cancer and i have not a clue when and where it will strike, i need to find a way to make the most of the time i have left with my friend and do what i can to ease the burden of his passing, if that is the final outcome. what i need to focus on is seeing that i have absolutely no power over ADDICTION, but that a loving and caring HIGHER POWER can restore me to sanity, if i allow that POWER to do the work by getting out of the way and surrendering once more to the basic principles of this program.
-- DT --