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there was one drawback: the drugs, which were my solution, quickly became my problem.
or at least they became problematic. for my getting high was one activity i looked forward to because at least i would know exactly how i would feel based on the contents and delivery method of that particular substance. and lack of control was one of the things that i hated the most in the chaotic life of active addiction. however, this reading is not about control or powerlessness, at least in my opinion. what this reading says to me this morning is that part of the joy of using, was it filled an empty place withing my spirit. even though that was a fleeting relief from that emptiness, it was a relief nevertheless, and for that moment of bliss, i was willing to do whatever it took.
so in early recovery, when those familiar feelings came back with a vengeance, all i wanted to do was medicate them away. my dilemma quickly became what to do. i could not use because of the outside influences in my life, and since i was in the wrong fellowship i was not acquiring the information i needed in order to live without feeding my disease in other manners. i was being taught it was about what and how much i used and the spiritual malady i had was based on my use of substances, rather than something more universal. so how did i react? well i quickly learned that buying stuff was a wonderful way in which to get rid of that emptiness and i did accumulate a whole bunch of stuff in those thirteen months. i also discovered that service to any fellowship or volunteer work, filled that hole in a similar style. if i devoted myself to what i saw as altruism, i did not have to feel that emptiness at all.
well, even in the wrong fellowship, i started to change. i sat still long enough to start to get a spiritual connection to something more than the mall. and as that connection grew, the emptiness faded. as the emptiness faded, i became more willing to allow my connection to the divine grow. a very tight feedback loop.
so flash forward three thousand days and what do i find? well for buying stuff can still provide that quick fix, but i am unwilling to participate in that activity on most days. service to the fellowship that finally found me? i still do it, but at a level that does not consume my entire being. and best of all, the emptiness that is part and parcel of the disease of addiction? well it is not totally gone, but it has been reduced to a level of a minor irritation, not unlike the bit of a mosquito. uncomfortably itchy, but something that i know i do not scratch will fade into oblivion. i am grateful for the spiritual connection i have been given and life is full today. so off to the showers to meet my responsibilities.

∞ DT ∞