Blog entry for:

so as i fight Microsoft on my computer that is NOT upgrading to Windows 10 and work on burning my music for the commute this week, i finally have a moment to start writing this little ditty. i do remember that feeling got the first time i got high, and how for the first time in what seen\\med my entire life, i felt different and different was GREAT! i also remember the misery of chasing that same feeling for the next 25 years, almost getting there, but never quite and wondering what i was doing wrong or if i had just imagined the freedom from self i got that very first time. although recovery has been freeing and great, there are times when i romance that feeling and wonder what, if anything i can do, to get it back. it is a good thing that i have a program of recovery that allows me the freedom to see that for the lie it is. that first time? that was just something different, and will never, ever be recaptured. as i progress further and further along this recovery path, my desire to feel and be different is being fulfilled, iota, by iota, and that very slow change is hard to detect.
just as water drips will erode a rock, over time, so the recovery process erodes my feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. my desire to be somebody, anybody else, is replaced with the acceptance of who i am today, and the HOPE and FAITH that IF i continue up this path, those feelings will no longer be active in my life. the evidence i have for this FAITH, is that already the volume of those screams have for the most part faded into the white noise of daily living. getting high,m while certainly always an option for me, is not an option i chose to exercise today. when i feel hopeless and that the change will never come, i look at the example of the Grand Canyon. i am quite certain, that was not created in a day, a month or even a year. i could be wrong though, but chances are that natural feature, which is the result of natural processes, occurred over a very long time, relative to how i view time, and that i too, am a work in process. the forces that are working me over, are relatively speaking no faster than the wind and rain that created the Grand Canyon, so patience, when i lack it, is what i need.
moving forward, today, i am okay with starting up with yet another new sponsee. based on my past experience with this population, i am not certain how far it will go. i am working under the premise that i will never have more than i can handle, so i might as well, have a bit of FAITH here as well. this whole idea of feeling my way to the next right thing, is becoming ingrained in me, and i am finally rto see what it is all about for me, anyways. so i will wrap this up, get ready to get something to eat and be okay as to what the day may bring next.

∞ DT ∞