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the something different i needed was a relationship with a loving God.
i have often heard about a HIGHER POWERED shape hole in my being. i have heard this since i first started getting clean, i heard it after i finally decided to start my path towards recovery, and i still hear it today. for the longest time i did not really comprehend what they were talking about, how could i be missing something, and i just dismissed it as one of those clichés that did not apply to me. yet, something about that statement continued to resonate in my head. i came to the program with a very strong opinion that all matters spiritual or supernatural were the tools of ignorant superstitious peasants. after all, if it could not be quantified and qualified it could not possibly be reality. i had no problem with the nature of matter even though the underlying structure could not be seen, but i had tangible evidence that matter did exist and it was only a matter (gasp) of time before the tools to see the building blocks would be developed by science.
so here i sit nine years later mulling over what i believe and how i have been able to stay clean for all those days. when i got here i could not stay clean for any longer than thirty days or so, no matter how hard i tried. so now i realize that the ability to stay clean comes from beyond me. now the irony here is that if that is the case, where does that power come from. so with that thought i have the thread of tangible evidence of something spiritual. when i figured that out, acting as if there was a HIGHER POWER active in my life had to become more than as if.
so today i accept that there is a spiritual side to reality, and to me. i have way more stuff and sanity in my life than i ever imagined. and none of that was possible when i used, nor when i fought the nature of the program that saved my life. so as the title of this little ditty implies, i now believe that what i always lacked was a connection to the divine and no matter how much i used i always would lack what i always really wanted and today i have that connection. although my knowledge of a HIGHER POWER is a process that is constantly undergoing revision, i will surrender to the healing process before me.

∞ DT ∞