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missing ingredient to the recipe that is my life, is certainly a task i never realized i had decided to accomplish. looking at my life today and once upon a time, i might say, not a whole lot has changed. sure i am twenty-two years older. twenty-two years wiser and twenty-two years away from the last time i used. the mere fact that i can put that down in bits and bytes is incomprehensible to me, and yes i do know what that word means. one part of me that i have learned to embrace, is the cynic. some may say that i am a “negative Nellie,” because i never seem to have a “positive report, ” or crow about how much love and acceptance i have for myself these days. while i might be dismissive of such critiques, or get up on my high horse and self-righteously defend my right to look at reality without my pair of “rose-coloured glasses,” the fact is that is who i am today. when i focus on what is not quite “right,” i believe i am honoring my commitment to my recovery journey, regardless of the opinions of others.
this morning, as i was checking up on one of the men who i now seem to be a S.ponsor I.n N.ame O.nly, i uncovered a sad fact of life, my fallen friend is once again a guest at the local county sheriff's bed and breakfast. both of those facts make me a bit sad this morning, as both of those men, seem to recycle through that facility with a very regular cadence. perhaps, my missing sponsee is getting is act together in work release and has yet to find the time to call or show up at a meeting, which i do hope is the case. i often wonder why some addicts find what they need in a program of recovery and stay clean, while others choose to be “around” the program, picking up chunks of seemingly random clean time. when i look to what makes me “different” from them, i really am unable to detect much difference. i am certainly no smarter than them. i was never more desperate than they seem to be. i certainly am no stronger that they are, especially when it comes to using. i was not for quite some any more spiritual than they are and yet, here i sit writing about looking for that missing ingredient in my life, which the reading says in a relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery.
when i sit down, to put into words what i am feeling each day, i often start with the notion of “playing to the crowd.” where i once believed the crowd was the new guy, today i am not quite sure who is in that “crowd.” it certainly is ironic that when i shout about how much love and acceptance i have for myself, that “crowd” is me. a behavior i have learned well, is that if i say something often enough and loud enough, i come to believe it as GOD's TRUTH. this set of steps, seems to be a process of uncovering the “fake news” that i have crafted for myself, to cushion the blow of who i am today. “something different” i am seeking today is the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, so i can eliminate the need to believe the those stories, just for today. on that note, i think i will commit this to the inter-webs and see what is happening in my neck of the woods.

∞ DT ∞