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quickly became my problem. although the realization, that drugs were my problem eluded me, until much later in my life. the longer i stay clean, however, the more i see that in a sense i was correct, it was not the drugs, nor was it my uncontrollable desire to drugs that were the REAL problem. no it was me, that something inside of me, that makes me as addict, that was the root of my problem. as one of my sponsees, truly an addict lawyer, would say, WTF, it is the drugs that keep landing me back in prison, not who i am. there was a time, when i thought it was the drugs as well, those days be long gone.
so denial that i had a problem, was the source of my confusion when i walked into the rooms. legally, i certainly had issues. emotionally? well emotionally i was so shut down, that i did not see that being an issue, after all, if i numbed my feelings as a side-effect of getting high, i protected myself from being hurt. spiritually? well, spiritually i had no connection with anything outside of my senses and what the sensors of scientists could detect, measure and see. who needed to even to consider if there was or was not anything beyond the rational, quantifiable realm that is the physical world. even considering that question was a symptom of superstition and for me a sign that i had not advanced intellectually beyond my peasant ancestry. physically? well i was not dope sick, so there could hardly be a problem. of course all of that was compounded by the fact that i ended-up in the exact wrong fellowship, one that focused on the substance and not the root core of who i was, and one that reinforced the notion that the drugs were the problem, and not the symptom.
well a few days, a few steps and certainly some emotional distance later, i see all of that for what it was, just who i was and me seeking a solution that would once again allow me to use. after all, i was different. i could stay where i was, and just not drink, and i would have been successful and possibly prominent in that fellowship, as the days of sobriety ticked by. it is fortunate for me, that when i was on the verge to say fVck it and run, i heard what i had been missing for nearly two years, it was not the substance it was addiction i was powerless over. addiction was so much more than just using, BUT the only way for me to get any relief form active addiction was to NOT use, NO MATTER WHAT, every day, just for today. when i came out of the recovery closet and finally saw what i was, the sense of desperation i had never felt was finally REVEALED, as the solution unfolded before my eyes. it was not a blinding light accompanied by a heavenly choir, but when i look back, it certainly was more than just a mere “a-ha” moment, there was an event which kicked off a process, that is still active in my life today.
today? well today, i know i am different. different from the other 85% of humanity that are not addicts, but no different from my peers in recovery. once again to be clear, today my peers in recovery is anyone with 60 seconds clean to sixty years clean, i no longer stratify the membership as i once felt i need to do. yes, as different as we addicts are from the rest of the human race, does not mean one size fits all, but it has been my experience that the program put forward by the fellowship that i am a part of, comes pretty damn close, to doing just that. i enjoy freedom from active addiction as a result of discovering a program of recovery that is the key to that freedom and yes, even i, the descendent of superstitious peasants, who for so long tried to deny that connection, has come to believe that there is some POWER keeping me clean, powering my recovery and providing the opportunity for me to get all my needs met. so on that note i will thank the POWER that fuels for the opportunity to earn a bit of scratch, and be a part of the world around me.

∞ DT ∞