Blog entry for:

for some sort of connection, whether that was a POWER greater than myself, or something more earth-bound as in my fellow travelers upon this mortal coil, is an argument that i continue to go round and round about. the facts of this matter are, that i was not connected to anything when i got clean and the source of that disconnection was the LIE that i based my identity upon, for all those years. when i was first exposed to the message of the fellowship that is my life today, i finally felt that maybe, just maybe, i could find something there. sure, it took another two years to finally surrender to the notion that i a=was an addict, not “some sort” of addict or any of the dozens of humorous terms i used to deflect that reality, BUT on that day i asked my second sponsor to help guide me through the steps, i was finally got the keys to my self made prison cell.
fast forward to that day eighteen months ago, when the world got locked down and the connections i had made were mostly severed, due to lack of physical presence. this addict was lost, even though i was far too proud to admit it. in my hubris, i pretended that i was “okay” and continued to act as-if i was good, when i was distraught and devastated. it is only because of those closest in my life and a connection i have developed with the POWER that fuels my recovery, that i was able to survive and find the strength to do the work to free me from a world that was hostile and contentious. although it took a better part of another year to do the work to allow me to break out of the illusions fostered by the lies i told myself since i was young, it was that disruption of my social life, that was the impetus for the change that is upon me today.
this morning, as i sat and listened to the void, what bubbled up from the depths, after i got over my disappointing performance in Fantasy Football, was a sense of belonging somewhere. it is odd, that it took sixty-four years to find my place in the world, and even worse that for twenty-three and a half years i denied i even was lacking the sort of connection i always craved. as i did my best to kept the lie i made fact, under cover, while attempting to emulate the “model” of a recovering person, kept me form seeing what the real issue was and how the process of internalizing my need for acceptance from external events and people, kept me from seeing myself. it is a good day to celebrate my return to the land of the living, for as long as it may last and be okay walking forward into this morning. now that i have decided to stop hurting myself, it is time to make the healthy choice to get a few more miles under my belt. oh yeah and remember that connection, for me, is the most important gift that my recovery process has given me.

∞ DT ∞