Blog entry for:

is the **something different** that has always been missing in my life. not being a **GOD** kind of person, that statement reeks to high heaven, of just parroting the party line. perhaps it is, but the way i feel this morning it is probably not.
this morning i woke up, just a few minutes earlier than i like, to our nutso dawg, itching like crazy. i was in quite the foul little mood, she really was not doing anything out of the ordinary for her, it was just my tolerance for anything outside of my will and my desires is way down, in fact, one might say that it is approaching ZERO! i have been out every night this week, in social situations with the fellowship. i have an phone interview this morning for a job that looks way out of my league, that i never thought would get this far. i have a project that is nearly complete. i have a bank account balance getting lower than i am comfortable with these days, and i am being worked over by a SIXTH STEP from hell. change is the theme, and resistance to change is my defense. as one of my friends would ask: “how is that working out for you?”
NOT WELL!
so what is my solution? call another addict and share how i am feeling. the outcome? i am much better now, still having trouble letting go of outcomes, but i guess to use a tired ole bromide, i am where i am supposed to be right here and right now. which just happens to be working the streets, looking for another full-time gig. ironic that as i suit here and write this, i just took another recruiter call for another possible position. i am finally getting a clue or two about what is going on with me. years of isolation has warped me. all this social interaction is new and different, as i generally seem to keep to myself and close to home. i guess, i may have anxiety disorder after all, as the shrink who saw me at 60 days clean said.
or NOT! what i am feeling these days is change, and although change has been a constant in my recovery journey, sometimes the pace of that change is more than i think i can stand. <DRUM ROLL> here is where the whole HIGHER POWER concept comes into play. if i accept that i was broken, and i do look at addiction as being broken. and if i accept that although i will never be fixed, i can manage my brokeness with a spiritual program, and most days i accept that as well, than all i have to do, is allow the change that i am powerless over, to be manifest and accept that it is all for the better, as wrong and as hard as it may feel in the here and now.
so what is next? well instead of worrying about what may or may not be, i think i will take on the next task of the day, reply to a recruiter request, grab a shower and make the call-in phone interview that is on my schedule. oh yeah, and work in a call to the sponse as well. who knows what the rest of the day will bring, but i am sure it will be exactly what iu need to stay clean today, as that is the core of the FAITH that i have built up over the course of my recovery journey.

∞ DT ∞