Blog entry for:

facing life on its own terms without the use of drugs is not always easy. RECOVERY requires more than hard work; it requires a liberal dose of courage. so as i sit here this morning pondering the meaning of my life and trying decide on my plan of the day, i am once again struck by how pertinent this reading is in my life right here and right now. what does it all mean anyway, especially the courage part. well, as i was speaking to a sponsee last evening, i see a pattern in his current behaviors that is also present in mine. when i feel shame, i am blocking what i really need to be feeling. after all, i have worked a few step cycles and my past has been put into perspective; i have learned how to forgive myself for what i have done; and most importantly i have unburdened myself of secrets; so i really have nothing left to be ashamed of these days. of course there is always actions in the here and now, but i can deal with my guilt and remorse before i turn the shame engine on. the irony here, is that the healthier i get, the stronger the part of me i call addiction works to distract me from what is really important, and that is where courage comes in for me. shame is the signal that i am moving into something i am afraid of, and as i type this i realize how true that has been for most of my life. in my using days, i very rarely felt guilt or remorse, and when i did, there’s an app for that, namely a behavior or a substance to numb those pesky feelings away. these days i lack, by choice, the desire to use that route to deal with my guilt and remorse, so i am stuck with the tools of recovery. so since shame has been one of the most powerful motivators in my life, after all i was raised a Catholic and they certainly know how to pour the shame on, i can see what it is doing for me today -- distracting me from what i really need to see and feel, which can always be a frightening prospect. so for me, shame is a signal to step up and practice a bit of courage.
so i do believe i will jump into the shower and step out into today, after all, it is a great day to be in recovery.

∞ DT ∞