Blog entry for:

that i believe may be difficult, dangerous, or painful. i like that particular definition of courage as it allows all sort of stuff under the bar. so i must say this up front, i hate funerals and memorial services, of any sort! so the celebration of life i am attending this afternoon could be be seen as a courageous act, based on the premise above, after all, it will be painful and difficult for a variety of reasons, and i will be required to give comfort and share my grief publicly. one may question my motives for going. in fact i can see all sorts of ulterior motives in my behavior, the first and foremost being that if i do not show up, others will think ill of me. that is part of the nature of my current insanity. the first step towards sanity is recognizing that i am insane, and i see it in spades. so if i give myself a break, can i really attend this afternoon without any motive and be present for what will happen?
that is where i cross the line into courage. while it may seem quite a simple thing to show up and be present, for me, that can be one of the most difficult tasks that i undertake in any day. so why is this any different. well i hate to reminded of my own mortality, and Carrie had so much left undone when she was suddenly shuffled off this mortal coil. how prepared am i to face my end, what do i left undone today that i need to attend to? then of course there is the whole mess of feelings i am and will feel, i have said it before and will say it again, i have never dies from a feeling, BUT they still suck. no matter how long i have been clean, i have still not come to see my feelings as a gift. i can be grudgingly grateful for them. i can accept they happen. and yes i can even be present for them, but i still think feelings way suck. then the is the whole social aspect of it. i came to recovery practically asocial, after all no one can think ill of me, if i do not socialize, and not socializing can be a whole lot more comfortable than socializing. i do not have to deal with my own and other people's messy feelings, if i do not hang with them. the path of recovery has been lifting me from isolation and although i go kicking and screaming, the more social i become, the more social i want to become. which leads back to my insanity. looking good rather than feeling good.
where exactly is all of this leading? well, now i can honestly say that i will be going to celebrate Carrie' life this afternoon. as a human being that has the affliction of addiction, my motives are mixed at best. consciously i am ready to feel what i need feel, offer what comfort i can and be a part of the community that has nourished and sustained me in my darkest times. the rest of this discussion gets way too complicated and twisted to go on and the real question is do i really need to get down to cayuse and conditions of the inner working of my psyche? THE ANSWER IS NO I DO NOT! i need to have FAITH that i do know what to do, and just do it.
so on that cheery note, i think i will go pound out some miles and get some work done and see where i am led as this day goes on.

∞ DT ∞