Blog entry for:

the belief of many of my peers, that the POWER that fuels my recovery is an almighty giver of gifts like grace or staying clean or life itself. that does not mean that i have to discard the notion of grace, even if i decouple it from any sort of a HIGHER POWER. no, instead as my source material suggests, i see the grace i have been given as being a result of living a program of recovery that has been suggested by the fellowship in which i choose to recover. i am not a “GOD” kind of guy and yet i do admit that i REQUIRE some sort of outside POWER to stay clean on a daily basis. i often see “grace” as the ability to be present for what is happening around and taking advantage of the opportunities to get what i need, as they arise. one certainly could call that living in grace, and this morning i am okay with that notion.
lately, i am experiencing all sorts of “different” feelings and ideas. most of them revolve around who i thought i was and the uncertainty of who i really am. one “nice” part of living in the self made prison of being who i was not, was i knew exactly who i needed to be, no matter what the situation was. it was very rarely authentic or anything close to what i felt, but it kept me “safe” and in some manner sort of “sane.” always being concerned about how i looked, meant i never was concerned about how i felt. nowadays, i am all about how i feel, as i have mostly given up on how i may appear in the eyes of those who happen to be a part of my day-to-day existence. freedom does have consequences and half a century on unexplored and unexposed feelings, coming to the surface, is the one i am certain i have the grace to face today.
i am not sure how much more i have to write this morning about grace anyhow. what i do see is that i am going to have to rely on the grace i do have to give two of the men i sponsor, what they require to move ahead in their recovery lives. i need to stop thinking about how to guide them and allow myself to feel my way to the solution, at least on my part. right now i have no answers, which is strange and unusual from someone who once believed he had ALL the answers. i will have to fall back on the grace i have been given and see what pops off the stack, just for today.

∞ DT ∞