Blog entry for:

one day at a time, no matter what!
this morning i am certainly in a different space. after discovering that i may have the start of macular degeneration in my left eye, i feel resolved to do something, plaything to counter what may or may not be happening. the retinal specialist that i saw yesterday, carefully chose his words and told me what i NEED to do to slow the advance of macular degeneration, even though he would not come right out and say that was what is going on with my left eye. so what, i hear me say. after all, i never expected to live long enough to have the disease of aging ravage my senses, so i need to learn to be grateful of all that i have. this is where the courage comes in. what the doctor did not say, was that this was happening,m as he did not know how long the drusen have existed in my left eye, but as a quick internet search reveals, they are the most common early symptom of dry macular degeneration.
so where does courage come in? well after the exam i did not run to the nearest bar to drown my sorrows in a perfectly legal substance. nor did i go out shopping, buy a new car, or do any of the tens of behaviors i could have done to distract myself from feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self-pity. honestly i am scared, i DO NOT want to lose vision in any of my eyes. i DO NOT want to lose the ability to care for myself and those i love. i DO NOT want to become a burden on society. most of all, i DO NOT want to use, no matter what today. i certainly can and probably will go about my life, as if nothing has changed, because it really has not. i have some knowledge today that i did not have yesterday, but the process, was already ongoing and the doctor has given me some suggestions to slow the progression of the disease. i can go kicking and screaming, whining about what i can and cannot do, or i can accept what may be going on, and take the suggestions he offered, even though it means giving up cigars. which in the long run, is not too bad of trade for my eyesight. what i do over the next few days, will determine the course of my life, and i really do hate getting into spots here i have to make momentous decisions. the reality is that, i make those kind of decisions, every day, when i ask the POWER that fuels my recovery to KEEP me clean, and accept the power, that POWER, provides. i am okay today, and i will go do my job, be present for what is going on and see if i can be a better person than yesterday.

∞ DT ∞