Blog entry for:

the faint of heart, punctuated with an exclamation mark, is a very assertive statement. i am surprised that way back when, i did not take offense to this statement and do whatever i needed to do, to prove that maybe i was not qualified for recovery, because i was not morally fit. that would have meant i needed to admit that i was a coward and in my mind, no matter how afraid i was of this or that, facing the judgement of my peers and being found lacking, was not something i was up to doing. today, there may be times when i am riddled with fear and have the desire to turn away for a path of active recovery, BUT, i find just enough courage to continue my march towards becoming the sort of person i desire to become.
i have to admit, that i am frustrated with how some of the people in my life behave. i can see that i came by my reticence to be intimate, honestly, as that seems to run strongly through all my adult role models. i seem to innately understand that is i ask someone how they are feeling or what they think about the events in their lives, outside of small-talk chit-chat, i may get a whole lot moire than i bargained for. i just might get an honest answer that leads to a deeper and longer conversation about what is really going on, rather than the temperature outside or tonight's dinner menu.
those sorts of relationships, require courage and that is something i believed i lacked when i came to recovery. it is so much easier to walk through life without any understanding about how others are doing, than to actually develop a relationship that requires a bit of effort from me. i have learned that i no longer need to hide who i am, and even when i am not feeling “tip-top” i let those with whom i have intimate relationships, know what is going on. on the flip side, i can be there for them when they feeling less than stellar. it is time, however to put this to bed and get ready to go to my home group meeting. it is a great day to walk with FAITH and accept that even though i may feel FEAR, i can muster up the courage to walk forward.

∞ DT ∞