Blog entry for:

honestly, my first thought was went to the scene in the Wizard of Oz, when the cowardly lion, sings of what it would mean to have courage. silly, i know, but pretty close to the point, after all courage is one of those spiritual principles i was clueless about, back in the day.
what i do know is that when i was using, and even when i came to recovery, i believed that i was without fear, hence, i was courageous. what i have come to see, is that back in those days, i was full of fear and more importantly full of denial about what was really going on inside of me. i got so good at pretending i was something i was not, that i swallowed that story hook, line and sinker, believing that is was how i always was.
a few steps, a few days clean, and some shifting of my attitudes, i finally saw the real me, fearful, neurotic, not trusting and not trustworthy and very, very alone. all of that may still be true, but i recognize that today, and live witrh much less denial. i see that FEAR, regardless of how much FAITH i have to counter it, is ever present in my life, in one way or another. most of the time, it is part of my emotional “white noise,” seldom rising to a volume that makes it stand out and makes me take notice. FEAR, even though it is my constant companion, and i believe that is part of the human condition, and not a trait limited to addicts, need not rule my life as it once did. there is nothing worse that to wake up one morning and realize someone or something loathsome and cruel has been pulling one's strings and manipulating one's behavior for decades on end. when that brutal realization came upon me, i wanted to scream and i hated addiction, screaming at the top of my spiritual lungs, to have it totally and irrevocably removed from me. well, that did not happen and what i have come to do is accommodate the part of me i call addiction, and bring that part, into the whole person i am becoming. yes, i am an addict. i am also a man, a human being, a bay boomer, and member of the workforce and a whole litany of various labels, that describe the parts of me,. form time to time, i am a frightened little boy, that is certain that here be dragons, and that i need to run and hide. it is only the program of recovery that i attempt to actively work, just for today, that allows me to b e more than just a collection of labels and roles. it is that program that allows me to acknowledge my fear, evaluate whether or not it is reality based, and make accommodations in my life if needed. that is what i think courage means to me today, to live the best life i can; take the risks that i need to; acknowledge my fears and apprehensions, and step forward into FAITH, that no matter what, i am doing the next right thing, most of the time.
time to go make the donuts, so, so long and thanks for all the fish.

∞ DT ∞