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the gift of grace is a tricky proposition for one such as myself, as i do not see the POWER that fuels my recovery as an entity that grants gifts such as the grace to handle whatever happens to come my way on a daily basis. in short GOD's grace is not something i seek, but i do seek the skills and abilities to deal with life on its own terms, without using, blowing up my life, or acting out by reverting to behaviors that defined my active addiction and early recovery. that leaves very few alternatives and from those choices, i choose to see that the source of grace in my life is the program of recovery that has been given to me from those who were in the rooms before i ever dreamt of being clean. that program provides balance and yes, a relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery, but it also gives me a stable platform on which to build the foundation of my life.
i can certainly say that i lacked the ability to deal with life, when i was using. any grace i may have had, came from better living through chemistry. when i was high, i could handle whatever came my way, either by ignoring it and denying that i could do anything about it. denial, obfuscation, justification and rationalizations were my pathway to “grace” and when all else failed, another dip into dis or dat, would do the trick. certainly not a healthy manner in which to live, but one that “kept the lights on.”
as i work my way through to better living through a program of recovery, i am certainly pleased with the progress i seem to be finally making on my injured limb. i slept mostly pain free throughout the night and when i got up this morning, i had most of the range of motion i once had, with a huge reduction inn the pain, as well. if i was using, this might be the day that i believed it was time to pick up the pace and return to my workout routine. i am, however, clean today and that idea, while tempting, is certainly a “first thought wrong,” sort of notion. i am,, however, going to the rec center to ride the stationary bike for thirty minutes and continue to follow the suggestions of those professionals, who have my best interest in mind. there are things i desire, and things that i need. i may desire to run again, but i need to rehab my leg so i can climb to heights beyond any that i could have ever imagined, just for today.

∞ DT ∞