( my newly found faith serves as a )
Posted: Sun, Oct 30, 2011 09:16:14 AM
firm foundation for courage today, as well as in the future.
as this weekend goes, it has not been one of the best in my life. the nice surprise for me, is that it has not been the worst one either. it is true, that waking up to a phone call at 4:15 AM , telling me that my nephew had ended his own life, could have set-up a horrendous experience for me. do not get me wrong, this has been a terrible experience on all sorts of different levels. the saving grace, so to speak, is that I GOT to walk through this with a bit of courage and make it out clean. no smoke, no mirrors, just plain old facing life on its won terms. it is true that i NEEDED to disengage from the scene with my family twice yesterday, once to attend a recovery meeting and the second time to just shut-down. that nap and its trip into the oblivion that is the gift of Morpheus, was also a courageous act, as i did not disguise what i left to do, and i returned when i was done. in less than an hour i once again will need to be present for my family, and this morning, i am really, really resistant to being part of that again. i have more than enough stuff i need to accomplish today to use as excuses and rationalizations as to why i need not show up. i am however, going on my gut feeling, that tells me, no matter what i THINK, my presence no matter how brief and fleeting is required, and while i am there i NEED to be present for what is going on. everyone has had the chance to sleep. everyone has had the chance for the events of Friday night to be processed and put into some sort of perspective and everyone now has the opportunity to feel their feelings and start to heal the pain that loss, especially sudden loss can bring. the gift i have, is that i GOT to do a whole bunch of that yesterday, as i DID not do anything to change how i felt, no matter how badly i wanted to do so.
today, twenty-four hours later, i see that my walk through life yesterday was an example of courage. in active addiction, i would have been right there as well, but i would have been loaded, and i would be getting loaded right now, after all the way i was taught as an addict to deal with pain was to avoid it so i would NEVER have to feel it. so substances and behaviors would have been what i would be involved in, starting at 4:15 AM, yesterday morning and going right up until the time of whatever memorial service is scheduled. so it goes…
that is not how i choose to live today.
so i will get in the shower, go to the store, finish my laundry and end up at my parents house for breakfast sometime after 9 AM this morning. i will then get to work on what i need to get done, take care of some details i promised yesterday, get some Bronco time with my brothers in recovery and get my ass to a meeting. when all is said and done, i will use whatever source i NEED to, to get the COURAGE i need to exercise today and when i sit down for my daily inventory, it may be likely that i will discover i did just what i NEEDED to do, just for today.
so off into that plan and i will see what happens as this day moves forward.
as this weekend goes, it has not been one of the best in my life. the nice surprise for me, is that it has not been the worst one either. it is true, that waking up to a phone call at 4:15 AM , telling me that my nephew had ended his own life, could have set-up a horrendous experience for me. do not get me wrong, this has been a terrible experience on all sorts of different levels. the saving grace, so to speak, is that I GOT to walk through this with a bit of courage and make it out clean. no smoke, no mirrors, just plain old facing life on its won terms. it is true that i NEEDED to disengage from the scene with my family twice yesterday, once to attend a recovery meeting and the second time to just shut-down. that nap and its trip into the oblivion that is the gift of Morpheus, was also a courageous act, as i did not disguise what i left to do, and i returned when i was done. in less than an hour i once again will need to be present for my family, and this morning, i am really, really resistant to being part of that again. i have more than enough stuff i need to accomplish today to use as excuses and rationalizations as to why i need not show up. i am however, going on my gut feeling, that tells me, no matter what i THINK, my presence no matter how brief and fleeting is required, and while i am there i NEED to be present for what is going on. everyone has had the chance to sleep. everyone has had the chance for the events of Friday night to be processed and put into some sort of perspective and everyone now has the opportunity to feel their feelings and start to heal the pain that loss, especially sudden loss can bring. the gift i have, is that i GOT to do a whole bunch of that yesterday, as i DID not do anything to change how i felt, no matter how badly i wanted to do so.
today, twenty-four hours later, i see that my walk through life yesterday was an example of courage. in active addiction, i would have been right there as well, but i would have been loaded, and i would be getting loaded right now, after all the way i was taught as an addict to deal with pain was to avoid it so i would NEVER have to feel it. so substances and behaviors would have been what i would be involved in, starting at 4:15 AM, yesterday morning and going right up until the time of whatever memorial service is scheduled. so it goes…
that is not how i choose to live today.
so i will get in the shower, go to the store, finish my laundry and end up at my parents house for breakfast sometime after 9 AM this morning. i will then get to work on what i need to get done, take care of some details i promised yesterday, get some Bronco time with my brothers in recovery and get my ass to a meeting. when all is said and done, i will use whatever source i NEED to, to get the COURAGE i need to exercise today and when i sit down for my daily inventory, it may be likely that i will discover i did just what i NEEDED to do, just for today.
so off into that plan and i will see what happens as this day moves forward.
∞ DT ∞