Blog entry for:

confirms that my most important needs -- my spiritual needs -- are being met. as i was reading this entry this morning, i was struck by the poignancy of it all. yesterday, i sent a letter to a brother in recovery who is struggling with the whole HP concept gig. it has been less than a good nine months for him, ans as a result, he struggling with coming to believe. the good part of that, is that he has not abandoned HOPE, even though he is in an intolerable environment, and even though his situation over the past six months has looked hopeless. he attributes his current situation, in part, to consequences of decisions and behaviors that he made a conscious choices to implement. mostly he blames another person and many members in the fellowship for not having his back.
what does this have to do with anything that the reading spoke to? well, yesterday, i got to examine my own belief structure and for the first time since the completion of my 11th step, actually write down how that structure works for me. as i reread what i wrote, i see now a whole lot more detail than i put into that letter, and whether or not that detail is important or not i do not know. what i do know that the structure i have come to see, for the first time in my recovery, does not rely on any self-deception or denial of what i think i know. for the first time, the structure fits and i am willing to allow it to grow and change as more information becomes available to my conscious self. while this may not seem earth shattering to anyone else, to me it really is. the cosmic blast that i had as a result of my 11th step, the reordering of my internal world as a result of the spiritual awakening that blast produced, has made me reluctant to move forward. my rational self wants to put everything into context before i can move on. this morning, while in quiet contemplation, i saw that is exactly what i have done.
with that context in place, i can be present for who i am, and i can better carry the message of recovery, as now i can trust my feelings in this regard. i am a parrot no more, at least in this spiritual context. i do not believe that i have found a path that is untrodden, but i do believe that it a path that is rarely trodden upon. there was a quiet certainty in my meditation last night and this morning, that i have very rarely felt in the past, and that certainty will lead me on to another day in active recovery. i am grateful for a program that allows me the creative freedom to approach the divine in a manner of my own choosing, and more than grateful that perhaps i can help a brother discover his own path.
what does all that mean in the here and now, because after all, today is all i really have. it means that i can move forward secure in the knowledge, that unless i choose to leave this path, my spiritual needs will be met, all i have to do, is allow that to happen. which i do believe i will. so as the holiday gorge is almost here, it is time for a quick jaunt around the neighborhood with the dawg. it is after all a good day to take care of myself.

∞ DT ∞