๐ช i hang on ๐ซ
Posted: Sun, Mar 2, 2025 12:31:52 PM
fiercely, mistaking the attempt to control all the variables in my life for vigilance in my recovery. it is true, i have been clean for a minute, worked through the steps a few times, admit that i am powerless over addiction every single day and do my best to do the next right thing, or as have put to the next thing right. i am no longer in abject fear about relapsing, but i still do not find myself in crack houses or parties where everyone is toking up. for me, that is just common sens. i can however, get a bit obsessive at the boundaries in my life between those who use and myself. finding the balance between living and protecting my recovery, is sometimes a tricky and often sticky proposition.what i have to consider and discern, often more than once a day, is whether or not the next step i take puts me over the line.
i can safely say, that after a few days of practice, i no longer may see the line, but i certainly feel myself getting closer and closer to it. as that discomfort grows, exponentially as i get closer, i have to pause and consider whether or not the next step in that direction is worth it. most of the time, i back away and return to the safety of my recovery. a case in point, when i had the desire to use, i had made a plan and actually went out of my way to drive past the dispensary from which i had decided to get my fix. i did not, however, turn into the driveway and walk in, “just to see what it was like in there.” when push came to shove, i decided that my recovery was more important that tempering the pain with a little bit of dis or dat. my spiritual practice saved me life that day and i got to have another day clean.
today, as i prepare to relax and enjoy a cigar or two, i know that many of those i am in the presence of, will have alcoholic beverages that they bare willing to share. they may be willing but i am not willing to partake. i know the parameters of my afternoon activity and have no FEAR about hanging out with them. i have no expectations on myself or those with whom i will share this afternoon. some of my peers may see me as being foolish and perhaps “testing” my recovery. i see it as enjoying life knowing that i have to live in the real world, where others use without consequences. for me, that may be possible, but just for today, i think i will stay clean, no matter what.
i can safely say, that after a few days of practice, i no longer may see the line, but i certainly feel myself getting closer and closer to it. as that discomfort grows, exponentially as i get closer, i have to pause and consider whether or not the next step in that direction is worth it. most of the time, i back away and return to the safety of my recovery. a case in point, when i had the desire to use, i had made a plan and actually went out of my way to drive past the dispensary from which i had decided to get my fix. i did not, however, turn into the driveway and walk in, “just to see what it was like in there.” when push came to shove, i decided that my recovery was more important that tempering the pain with a little bit of dis or dat. my spiritual practice saved me life that day and i got to have another day clean.
today, as i prepare to relax and enjoy a cigar or two, i know that many of those i am in the presence of, will have alcoholic beverages that they bare willing to share. they may be willing but i am not willing to partake. i know the parameters of my afternoon activity and have no FEAR about hanging out with them. i have no expectations on myself or those with whom i will share this afternoon. some of my peers may see me as being foolish and perhaps “testing” my recovery. i see it as enjoying life knowing that i have to live in the real world, where others use without consequences. for me, that may be possible, but just for today, i think i will stay clean, no matter what.
∞ DT ∞