Blog entry for:

but no matter what occurs in my recovery i need not despair, for there is always hope. that hope lies in my relationship with a HIGHER POWER. this is one of the most difficult concepts i have ever come to accept. i never got a pink cloud in early recovery, nor was i a person filled with HOPE and optimism when i finally got done using and started the process of surrender to the program of recovery. while it would be wonderful to blithely trip down the road of life ignoring reality, as the term pink cloud implies, i understand and accept that here in the real world stuff happens, it is my reaction to stuff that is the most important part of this concept.
as i sit here pondering the reality of life, i do have a notion or two about where i am at. although my sponse did not release me, so to speak, to start working on my 2nd Step, i am at an emotional place, where i FEEL the NEED to do so. the 1st Step left me with a feeling of hopelessness and despair, and i am not comfortable sitting in those feelings. i know that they can and will pass, and i also know that the path out of them is through the next step. waiting to move forward is not something i am hard-wired to do, after all, in active addiction, waiting for stuff to occur on its own terms was often dangerous for me. learning the patience of waiting for things to develop on their own accord, is what i heard this morning, while doing my best to listen for the voice of guidance. yes i know that it probably sounds deranged, to say i "hear" the voice of the source of my recovery, when i actually stop to listen, but as far as i know, i still have a fairly good grasp on reality. of course, if i was insane how would i know? my perceptions would be warped by my insanity and anything and everything could be made to fit into that framework. that is where i have to move into FAITH and HOPE. it has been, after all, several thousand days since i last used, or even had the desire to use. that is not part of who i was, and the explanation for that miracle can be many things, BUT the one i choose to use is that i am getting the ability to stay clean from a POWER greater than myself. if that POWER can keep this addict clean, there is probably no limit to what that POWER can do, and i can move into the HOPE that whatever curve balls life may throw at me, i will have the ability to stay clean, and much, much more. i can also have the ability to deal with those bumps and grinds and become more than i am today.
so as i get ready to shower and move into this day, i can rest assured that i will get what i need to handle what i need to handle the ups and downs of life in the REAL world. no i do not expect to have a million dollars land in my backyard, nor do i expect to stay clean on the recovery of yesterday. i must and will do what is put in front of me, and leave my expectations and judgments behind. there is a brave new world out there and i am glad to be a part of it today, clean and ready to have more than a bit of HOPE.

∞ DT ∞