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despair morphs into hope, as i become less self-centered. my seed this morning is one of the most awkward topics i have had to think about lately, as i fitting GOD into how i see the spiritual side of my recovery path, is more than a bit awkward. the simplest of solutions would be for me to say TAO centered, which certainly does fit, but does leaves me without a center to relate to my peers, in recovery., as TAO is not GOD! as i noodle around with this notion and go back to my “elevator pitch,” i may find the common thread.
the solution perhaps lies in the choice of the word. TAO and GOD, are very distinct concepts are while not mutually exclusive, certainly at loggerheads, especially when view through the Western notions of spirituality. what i am starting to think, is that for me TAO-centered is certainly my common point, but when sharing with my peers, perhaps a better term would be spiritually-centered. at the center of spiritual is GOD for many of my peers, and TAO for someone like me, so that commonality exists, and when i find common ground, i can remain part of the fold, instead of out on my own. i get that i will still act out self-centered motivations, as desire and all its attendant trappings, has not bee removed from me. as i center on my spiritual path, however, i see desire for what it is, and can CHOOSE to act upon it or not. the despair of acting without choice of any sort, gets transformed into the HOPE of i can do better.
it is difficult for me to understand why my peers stop doing what kept them clean in the early days and move beyond the daily maintenance of their recovery program. for me, it is that consistency that allows me to continue my growth and yes, actually move into a recovery program that is far beyond mere abstinence. it is also hard for me to understand, why some choose to walk away, after all they have been given, emotionally and spiritually. for me, i DO know what side of the bread is buttered and owe the life that i have to an active program of recovery. i do not have to rationalize or justify my bad behaviors away, because i am just another human, who is still driven by desire. i can admit my wrongs, clean up my messes and strive to become less driven by desire, by allowing myself to become more spiritually centered. i know that in the dark times there will be those moments that i come to the conclusion that rather than face what i am facing, take a little bit sumthin',sumthin' to “take the edge off.” i have been there and still make a daily call the addict who talked me off that ledge many days ago. i go to meetings to remind myself where i came from, but more importantly where i could be going. i practice a recovery routine each and every day, not because i am supposed to, but because i LIKE being spiritually-centered when i walk out the door, to face the realities of modern life. the litany of why i do what i do could go on and on and on. what i boils down to, no matter what i call it, when i live a spiritually centered life, i am a better person, desire, character defects and shortcomings and all.
speaking of which, i still need to pay my homage to the almighty dollar, and start the process of heading to my place of employment. i can rail against and pretend that may not be so, but my desire to have a roof over my head and food in my big Buddha-like belly, is more than enough to get me gratefully moving on down the highway, at least, just for today.

∞ DT ∞