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was not part of my experience at any time during this journey of recovery. in the days when i was **pretending** to have clean time and recovery, i certainly did not get one. what i got in those days, was the thrill of trying to get away with something, as **pink cloudish** as those heady days of deception and denial may have been, i was severely self-centered and GOD never entered the picture, to matter how loudly i professed to being a **believer.**
the eighteen months between my clean date and my first honest admission that i was an addict, were red with rage, at having my life disrupted by the justice system. i was still playing the game of self-interest and doing my best to “look” like the “model” clean and sober, addict-alcoholic. i said all the right words, shared as if recovery was “God-given” and even prayed on my knees. my intent was to appear as if i was grateful to be abstinent and i did not think that this whole recovery gig was a cultist sham. i guess i got what i needed, because when the nearly perfect opportunity to get high was presented, i had enough force of will to stay clean, that night, even though i desperately wanted to use.
fast forward to the new reality of self-isolating in these times of COVID-19 precautions. it is true, i am having issues staying home. it is also true that i am attending meetings on a daily basis, virtually anyhow. i am getting less and less enamored with what i hear being shared. what i keep hearing, is how “well” my peers seem to be doing and how “grateful” they are for any sort of meetings. in fact, what i hear is all yippy-skippy and those like myself who are having issues with these times, seem to be non-existent. there are two ways i can look at this, the first being that they are actually expressing what they feel and it is me who is out of sync with my peers. i certainly can run with that and separate myself from my peers as now i am “different.” the second way i can look at this, is that those peers who are sharing in these virtual meetings are doing their best to feel “positive” and sharing the way they are sharing to foster a “positive” vibe for all of us. either way, i am out of step and need to surrender to the POWER that fuels my recovery. i am powerless over COVID-19 and the stuff i need to do, to be a “good egg,” and if i have a bit of FAITH in that POWER, i can let go and allow myself to feel what i am feeling and move on.
i am not one of those who seek signs of “GOD's will” sort of recovering addict. i am a firm believer of my own “true will” which i know is more aligned to GOD's will than ever before. the upshot of that is i am more God-centered than ever before. on that ominous chord, i think i will commit this exercise to the interwebs and accept that IF i choose to go to virtual meetings i will continue to get advice, get clumped into a universal wee and hear the bumper stickers and slogans that seem to define many of my peers, and be okay knowing that, just for today.

∞ DT ∞