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their first months in the program. i, however was not nearly as fortunate, or unfortunate, as the case may be. that does not mean that i moved to being GOD-centered any early or later than anyone else, it just is what it was. i actually was quite glad, that although i got the zeal to stay clean, most of it an act to convince the undercover cops i was sure were at the meetings that i was complying with the terms of my sentence, HOWEVER there was a part of me, that was glad that it was over, active addiction that is. today, when i hear newcomers, sharing in a similar vein, i wonder how much like me are they being and how much is real. ironically, i am probably the easiest one to fool, when it comes to willingness and honesty, even though i walked that dark path for so long in my early recovery -- lying about what was going on inside and stubbornly resisting the implantation of any new ideas, all the time playing like i was Mr Recovery or something.
today, what i have, i show, at least when it comes to recovery and where i happen to be. there is of course one more qualifier here, at least in regards to most meetings and fellowship in general, AND it does not make me look too bad in your eyes.
as i sit, at the start of the adventure called the TENTH STEP, i am struck by how much looking good, still plays a part in my life and my behavior. i still cannot see where it fits as part of: “genuine, whole and self-assured,” which is a brief summation of the vision of the man i am becoming. it seems that all my focus is on what i look like and very little on how i am feeling, and perhaps this is a signal of a glacial move towards becoming more spiritually centered and less self-centered. it seems that my life in recovery, is like playing in the surf at the beach. after that huge 30 foot wave took me off my feet and pounded me into the sand, to get me in the doors, the waves reduced in size and frequency in time, as that initial storm moved on, the seas calmed down and the big waves come with less frequency and intensity, but they still come from time to time, but very rarely the 20 to 30 foot monsters, pounding me day after day.
well it has certainly been a morning filled with squirrels, and i am not quite sure where i was going with the surf metaphor. what i do know, is that the TENTH STEP has been working me over for a few weeks, and it does feel good to be formally working it, once again. each day, i get to review how self-centered i was, and how “GOD” centered i was as well. each day, as i do my best to live this program i get to see how i blocked the process of becoming the man i have always wanted to be, and how i fostered that process. i do need to get rolling into this morning and a shower is the next thing on my agenda. it is a good day to be clean and certainly there is no pink cloud, active in my life today. so it is off to the races and see if i can get the rest of my plan fulfilled today.

∞ DT ∞