Blog entry for:

i lived a life of utter hopelessness. i believed i was destined to die from my addiction. well i was in such denial, that i was incapable of feeling hope or hopelessness. i know now the fact is that i was in such a sad state that i was almost ready when i first walked into the rooms in February, but not entirely ready until September, i still had the desire to use, and absolutely no desire to stay clean. i continued to use against my will pitting the part of me i call my addiction against the authorities as expressed by the monitoring of my bodily fluids by the justice system. jail, treatment, court appointments, work release, and IOP did nothing to resolve this battle, it did however start to get me ready to feel the despair and hopelessness that i had suppressed for so long.
so i did get quite a pink cloud, after i went into one of the darkest places i had ever been in, emotionally. the contrast between the two was so extreme, that neither was i place that i wanted to be again. i decided that what i would hope for is an emotional and spiritual state somewhere in between, and for the most part that is what i have been given. life is life, i still get frustrated when things do not go my way, i still have to suffer the loss of people, i still have to allow change to occur at its own pace and i still have to accept that life in the real world is just that real. so am i a hopeless wretch today? not by a long shot, a realist to be sure, but i have HOPE that i can wake up again tomorrow morning and make the decision to recover once again. i have HOPE that no matter what slings and arrows that life happens to toss me today, i can stay clean, and i have HOPE that the changes being wrought in me, by living the program will continue as long as i continue to work at being the best recovering addict that i can be today.
so today is a work day for me, it is off to the next task and into the fray! TA-TA FOR NOW.

∞ DT ∞