Blog entry for:

self-centered, my despair turns to hope.
there a bunch of different directions i can go with this topic, and as the scattered feeling from yesterday is still running rampant in my head, i will probably go down all of them before i get where i am going.
to start off, the whole scattered feeling, and my inability to focus or concentrate over the past few days, is getting more than a bit annoying. at least this morning, when i went off about what i needed to get done this morning, i STOPPED wrote it down and then returned to mt quiet time of listening. the greatest thing about that, was that worked. i able to dip down into that place and gather some strength from that spiritual well, which is something i have not accomplished since last Friday. hearing that eternal quiet, even for a few minutes, allowed me to walk forward this morning and actually have the desire to get some stuff done. in fact, I GET TO RUN this morning, as my watch is back from Kansas. i know that i could have run without it, but that decision was made way back, in what seems ages ago, and i still believe it was the proper one. so enough about all of that, the point is i finally got to hear what has been lacking in the past few days and move forward.
a running theme in my head, has been the fact that my passive-aggressive behavior has morphed into something that is more than a bit scary. all of a sudden i recognize that i am becoming the chief enabler for many of those around me. as always, when i uncover a behavior that i am not overly pleased with, i attempt to clamp down on it hard! as a result, uncovering this behavior and my attempt to correct it, are setting me up for all kinds of time in the corrective part of STEP 10, which i absolutely hate! what i heard this morning, was that it is not my job to correct my behavior. my job is to recognize the feelings that trigger it, and choose to behave differently. in plain and simple terms, just one more thing to be present for in my moment to moment existence. as i shared last night, this promises to be an interesting 4TH through 7TH STEP cycle for me, as this stuff is already popping up and i am only working STEP 3.
lastly, i can see all of this fitting into the theme of the reading this morning. not that my lack of concentration was necessarily being self-centered, it certainly did not move me in the direction of being HP-centered. letting go, this morning is enabling me to have some HOPE, and reducing the anxiety i have been living in over the past few days. yes, i have been anxious as well as scattered, and i suspect that the two of them are related to my inability to get down with the POWER that fuels my recovery. so i think i will go burn off the excess energy i have accumulated over the past week, with a nice jaunt around the neighborhood, and see how much more i can let go of the insanity that is trying to overwhelm me. that is something that i can certainly let go of today!~

∞ DT ∞