Blog entry for:

utter hopelessness, destined to use to the end with no real end in sight. sounds more than a little drear and dire for a manner of living and although there is a bit of hyperbole in that statement, it is not too far off the mark. ironically and yes it is ironic, i believed i was living very well and lacked the ability to see how hopeless i was. it is not as if getting clean, caro0tapaulted into a new reality, as those early days, weeks and months of my early recovery sucked. waking up after a twenty-five year drug-induced coma was a shock to my fragile system and the mountain of problems i created while being a member of the walking dead, came crashing down upon my shoulders at the same time my ONLY coping mechanism was removed from my life. as i was never a “GOD” kind of guy and had to grow my FAITH from a barren, rocky field, the “pink cloud” was not part of my story either.
i am however, a bit lazy and i “borrowed” a HIGHER POWER from, my first sponsor and fleshed it out with what i heard my peers share. that concept was sufficient to get me through fifteen years clean, but not enough to sustain me to this day. i am amazed t how i allowed FEAR to paralyze me and keep me from finding the path to the POWER that fuels my recovery, but as i stated above, i am more than a bit spiritually lazy and going through the motions reinforced my lack of effort and fed my FEAR. as i sit here this morning, i am grateful for the process that brought me to this point, regardless of how i may chide myself for lacking the depth of insight to let go of what was not working for me.
which brings me to the term “GOD-centered.” i really do not know how close i come to that standard and i really do not need a quantitative answer to that question. i know that when i allow myself to feel my way to the next right thing, i am probably moving into a more GOD-centered manner of living. when i manipulate, force and generally go against my gut feeling to make something happen, i am moving c\\back towards my default self-centered ways. this morning i have FAITH in the program that has brought me this far and allowed me the FREEDOM to find my way to being GOD-centered. i live in the HOPE that if i stay clean today, i can and will decide to do so again tomorrow. with that thought on the top of my mind, i do believe i will suit up and head on over to my home group, as that is just what i do these days, just for today.

∞ DT ∞