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and that HOPE is that no matter what happens today, that THE POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS, will provide the resources for me to deal with it. WHEW! when i first heard members saying these words or something in a similar vein i thought "note to self, these folks is crazy, run as fast and as far as you can before you get infected with this craziness too!"
well it is a good thing i chose not to listen to my inner critic on this issue, else who knows where i would be today. certainly not sitting in front of a computer blithely musing about the ups and downs about one addict‘s journey up the path of recovery. so here i sit thinking about HOPE, DISASTER, ACCEPTENCE, and FAITH because that is what came up for me as i read the reading.
disaster because i am AFRAID of being found out for a fraud. somehow my recovery is all a sham and that i am doomed to the prophecy that the Cassandra named brandi sentenced me to all those days ago, when i forced into treatment. namely that the best i can ever HOPE for was longer and longer periods of abstinence followed be briefer and briefer periods of relapses. the part of me that wants to use loves that line of thought, after all i have over three thousand days since my last use.
ACCEPTENCE, because i have a fear or two working in my life today -- fear of failing with my new client because i am not coming up to speed fast enough. fear of success because i am good enough and will be making more money than i ever have in my entire life. and accepting that somehow in the whole scheme of things, this is exactly where i am supposed to be and just let go.
which moves me into the FAITH part. if i can accept that all of this is as it is meant to be, than just keep moving forward and let my HIGHER POWER continue to provide what i need and finally have the HOPE that no matter what happens i will get what i need to, today. that does not mean the code i am writing will suddenly mysteriously appear on my computer, but if i start writing it, it may just work and be just what my customer ordered.
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!?!?!?!?
so the time to move forward has come. all I can do is the next right thing and see what happens, and right now it is time to shower off yesterday and move on with my day!

∞ DT ∞