Blog entry for:

i have come to accept no matter what happens today, that POWER will provide me with the resources, i NEED to live with it.
yes, there is a bit of creative license there this morning, and after a day like yesterday, where none of my plans came about, i am quite happy to hear the HOPE in this entry, that all is as it is supposed to be and nothing that happened yesterday or today, is beyond my capability to live through clean. for me, that is a giant step forward, as much as i would have likes to have at least one thing work out as planned yesterday, i had to improvise over and over again, spontaneously adjusting to what came my way, instead of being able to work within the narrow constraints of what i wanted to do. honestly, this is all a luxury b!tch, as nothing earth shattering or life altering were part of my experience yesterday and are not part of my daily existence on most days. and b!tch as i might about the sameness of daily living or the alterations to my plan because of outside forces, the truth is that i have developed enough FAITH to realize, i can be saner than i was, i can act more like the other 85% and no matter what happens i will be given whatever it is i need in the here and now to stay clean, stay sane and deal with all that is coming my way. in my experience that BIG things do take my peers out, BUT it is usually a pile of the little things that makes relapse and using a palatable alternative. that is why my theme focuses on the minor and the petty, diverging from the reading only in a matter of scale.
my relationship with my cell phone company is a good metaphor for what i am talking about here. the quality of their product truly is inferior around here, but the quality of the people who i call to whine about it, is good. that however, is beginning to slip into just barely being adequate. every time i think about it i get hot and bothered in a rageful sort of way, and yet i do nothing at all. my perception that i am not getting what i deserve for my money fuels that fire and one day i will probably go all postal over one of their employees how happen to answer my phone. the little annoyances are piling up and the this camel will suffer a broken back soon! i can see my recovery in a similar light, when i believe that recovery is supposed to make my life easier and softer, i soon get disenchanted with the daily grind of dealing with life on its own terms. i see recovery as not paying off and turning into a humdrum, barely adequate existence. the addict within takes that and reminds me, that drugs worked all the way to the end for me and more importantly i i certainly did like to get high, back in the day, and the higher the better. in fact, now that i have some time clean, just one tiny dose would do the trick!
BOOM THERE IT GOES!
instead, what i think i will turn my amazing magnifying mind towards is that i am right where i am supposed to be, that life is as it should be,, right now. all i need to do, is go with the flow, make some plans, do the footwork and leave the results up to the POWER that fuels my recovery. in ITS care, my will and my life will be more than just okay, they can be extraordinary, IF i allow IT to do ITS work.
speaking of which, it is time to head on down to Denver to do mine, secure in the belief that I CAN handle whatever comes down the pike, BECAUSE the POWER that fuels my recovery HAS MY BACK, TODAY!

∞ DT ∞