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before ME with anonymity! i certainly know very well about owning a meeting or a service position. i also am quite familiar with using a service position to boost my self-esteem, by being a ginormous fish in a very small pond. once again, watching someone else go through the motions of “looking humble” whilst they forced their will on the conscience of a service body and ending up being smacked down in ignominious defeat, i see my own failings, very clearly spelled out for me. this reading reminds me of how i need to remember that the 12TH tradition in all its glory, protects the fellowship from my ego and me.
this morning, after a restless night according to my fitness tracker, i can see that how i see myself really has nothing to do with how i serve my fellowship. i can see from a letter i received from a friend yesterday, that i need to be much clearer in what i say and write, as he took on my dilemma and final decision as him being some sort of albatross around my neck. i am just self-centered enough to get why someone would take on my stuff, as after all, is not everything all about me? 😜 my friend is not stupid, but at times he is intellectually lazy enough to miss the point i am trying to make. over the years i have poked, prodded and cajoled him in an attempt to make him wake-up and use his native intelligence, but as the letter i received yesterday shows, he is still unwilling to exert himself in that direction. it also make me see that there is more than one person in my life that is unwilling to try to do anything for themselves, whether that is thinking for themselves or getting up from their recliner and walking out to fetch their own mail. i am at a loss on how to behave around those who will not.
right here and right now i will remember that because someone else was unwilling to decide i had to make a decision that was one of the toughest ones i have ever made, two years ago. that decion was not the beginning of the end for my Dad, that process had started two weeks before on the night he fell once more and could not get up. being forced to make a decision that rightfully belonged to someone else, could have been my clue about where they were headed and had i been a bit more awake i would have seen that they seem to love living in a world where they do not have to try, day in and day out. i have resolved to do everything in my power to live in a world of let me see if i can and if i cannot, then ask for the assistance i need to accomplish what i need to accomplish, as i do not want to fall under the spell of being dependent on others for the basic tasks of living my life in the real world.

∞ DT ∞