Blog entry for:

requiring not only my careful consideration but the guidance of my sponsor and complete surrender to a Higher Power. ultimately, however, the decision is mine alone. today, i can be responsible for my recovery. taking pain meds, attending a party where alcohol will be served, are decisions i have run across and am comfortable making these days. not that i do not value my recovery, simply because i have been through the process of making such decisions and am comfortable with what i need to do. these days, however there are some more tricky ones, situations i never thought i would have to face. even though they may not be as cut and dried as the the examples in the reading this morning, i need to remain vigilant about them. one for example, is the increasing prevalence of medical cannabis. just recently i found myself in a situation where i came face to face with a bag of it, and i was in a social situation, where i could have used without anyone being the wiser. honestly, i was quite unprepared for my reaction to finding myself staring down the barrel of this particular gun. in my head, i was certain that it would be like alcohol. i have no problem not having the desire to drink, even when i am surrounded by nut balls in the process of getting all FUBAR. their behavior reminds me of how i used to be, and one of the the things i find distasteful about the use of that particular drug. as i have discovered, that same distaste does not apply to all of the drugs i may wander across in my day to day living. i got out that situation clean, and with my recovery intact, but it took three days before i spoke to my sponse about it, and even then, i was hesitant to bring it up. which brings me smack dab up against a reservation. do i consider cannabis a drug, especially as society becomes more and more accepting of its use for purportedly medical purposes? i could go into the motives of this legal user, but it would do little to address my reservation. looking at my history would be far more illustrative in this scenario. quite honestly before the big incident that led me to recovery, my use of cannabis led me into more legal hot water than any of the other substances i was using on a regular basis. i was dependent on my daily use of cannabis to ‘feel normal’ and i saw nothing wrong with using a so-called ‘natural product’ to enhance my normal reality. i can now see my reservation quite clearly now. even though i have no problem classing ALL substances into things that i choose not to use, i have a special class set aside for cannabis. if i want my recovery to continue, i will need to address this reservation directly, before i move on the my 2nd step. i sense a bit of a self-assigned writing exercise coming on, and i am grateful that i have taken the time this morning to get to this point. i am grateful for what i have gained in recovery, and i am grateful i can be more than i was yesterday. most of all, i am grateful for a life without the fog of substance use, cannabis included. i desire to be able to make that choice again tomorrow, and as such i will use the tools to make that possible today. so it is off to the showers and into the reality of life on the third rock from the sun.

∞ DT ∞