Blog entry for:

any decision about my recovery is mine and mine alone. the reading presents two scenarios that i have lived through, taking pain medication and attending events where alcohol is being consumed, often in mass quantities. having a few days under my belt as a recovering addict, i see neither as big challenges to my recovery, but it was not always that way. for quite some time, after i finally became a member, both of these were as frightening to me, as the monster under my bed, when i was a child, the truth is, there never was a monster and these two instances of “testing” my recovery and my commitment to it, have mutated to mere concerns rather than looming boogie men. yes i need to vigilant about my recovery, as the literature says: “we keep what we have with vigilance.” in these two cases, what that means is that i only take the prescribed amount of medication as little as possible for the shortest time possible and i do not go to events where drinking is the MAIN event. i do not go to bars, just to hangout and shoot pool, just as i would never go to a crack house or shooting gallery, just 'cuz. that is just the way i roll;, and i have no regrets about making conscious choices in these matters. life is certainly like that, and as i start my next round of steps, i am looking at my recovery process and how i make conscious decisions, rather than living on auto-pilot. yesterday was a case in point. i arranged to spend some time with my sponsor and he double-booked himself. i texted him that i was on my way, and he responded by the time i got to University, that he was getting tattooed, and if i was alright hanging with him at the tattoo parlor, while he got his work done. normally i would have been all kinds of pissed off and said fVck NO, and stomped home in a petulant frenzy vowing to find a new sponsor, who had time for me and only me. what i did instead was a foreshadowing of where i seem to be going. i said sure, after all, i figured, talking about STEP 12 and moving into STEP 1, could be something i could discuss in public. what happened instead is that we joked around in the “fellowship” tattoo parlor for two hours then went to his house and talked for another 3 about my stuff, and when i started the trek home last night, i felt something inside of me had changed. i was flexible and i was rewarded for being less stuff and rigid, i got what i wanted and more importantly, a whole lot of something unexpected ↝ an opening to what i am becoming.
we spoke of process, and one of the tasks i was given to do seventh steps ago, was learning how to be present in my life. part of that, was learning how to live my life out of the “default” mode. that means that i am present for my life and i stop allowing the events of life on life's terms make my decisions for me. the next step, i guess is to take that a bit further, and look at how i can make conscious decisions in my recovery, instead of cruising on auto-pilot.
more will certainly be revealed, but if yesterday is any indication i am well on the way to working my FIRST STEP, again.

∞ DT ∞