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an interesting topic today, given the events over the past week. nothing earth-shattering or mind blowing, just the steady beat of recovery and being cognizant of where i am and where i might be going.
the reading written when it was, needs a bit of an update for the circumstances i find myself in these days. one of the substances, namely pot, that used to be my go to drug, is not only socially acceptable, but also legal in the state i live in. while attending functions that included alcoholic beverages being served, has been and continues to be, a part of my social life, the time has come, where the use of pot at a social gathering could and is becoming a concern for me. in my mind, the reservation i am tripping across, is that of all the substances i COULD do, this one is the least destructive, even though the evidence in my life suggests a quite different take on that statement.
pot, before the my BIG legal event, was at the core of all my brushes with the law and it was my inability to quit smoking pot, that got me dismissed from the Navy. so when i look at it in that light, i can quite easily see, that while in the large scheme of mind and mood altering drugs, pot may not be considered something as bad as…, it was no different in the long run, in the effects it created in my life, than something considered more dangerous. the amount of stuff i was not present for in my life is incredible, as i have been some very beautiful, mystical and quiet places, while high, and missed the totality of my experience, due to being really high at the time. and yet there is still a part of me that thinks that maybe, just maybe i can…
which brings me back to the topic. to guard my recovery, the last thing i can do, is present where others are exercising this legal right, as i know i have very little resistance and no power over my desire to use, when presented with the opportunity. which goes back to the FIRST STEP and my admission of being an addict, and not a collection of addictions or suffering from an addictive personality, as i have heard it put more and more often these days. when i live in the FIRST STEP, guarding my recovery is something that follows naturally, a slam dunk as it were. it is only when i start thinking that somehow i am different, and that after this much time away from that life, i could do a bit of dis or dat.
so what is it in the past week, that has me at this place? just the after glow of guiding a sponsee through his FIRST STEP and carrying the message to the still suffering addicts, who are currently unable to get to a regular meeting. there is a sense of gratitude that, just for today, i am not in either of those places, working my first FIRST STEP, or losing my liberty due to my bad behaviors. so when it comes down to it, i do NEED to watch my reservations and be cognizant of where i am going, because it is not that long of a journey from active recovery to active addiction, at least in my opinion.

∞ DT ∞