Blog entry for:

ultimately, however, the decision is mine! I AM responsible for my own recovery. i am once again reminded that i am powerless over all sorts of things. what i want and what i get, are not always the same thing and whining about it shows that something in my program is lacking in the here and now. seriously, if the world ran the way i wanted it to, it would be so much better, FOR ME!
that is a bit off topic and while that is no big thing, i am after all clever enough to get myself back on track, what i heard last night during my daily maintenance is that i am still a creature of self-will, habituated to demanding stuff goes my way. one might believe that the sum total of all these days clean, is less than a frequent relapser, who spouts off about how wonderful recovery is, and how much their lives have changed as a result of being around the program for all these years. the truth is not far off that mark. there are times when i certainly think i have this down pat, and in those times, i tell myself that i can hang in dangerous places, with people who may or may not be addicts, but who are using. after all, what are all these days worth if i cannot go out, get back into life and do whatever the fVck i please?
as silly as that last statement sounds as i type it in and prepare to send this off, there is an element of truth in it. being who i am, it is that element that i want to latch on to, not the lie itself. i want to focus on that tree, ignoring at my peril the forest full of lurking evils. readings like the one this morning, while presenting two very specific decisions that i can make that may imperil my recovery, bring me back into the here and now and force me to look at the pattern my thoughts are taking today. being reminded that i am not responsible for being an addict is one thing. being reminded that recovery is my responsibility is quite another. that slap in the face draws me into a pensive place where considering my actions, and thoughts and how that all relates to living this new life, is a landscape that has more than its share of pitfalls and land mines. do i really believe that clean time is a guard against relapse? can i possibly think that all of the work i have done will somehow protect me from my own idiocy? although both of those questions are pertinent, the answers to them demonstrate that i am still an addict, even though oi may not want to be. those actions give me a bit of grace, but ignoring my program and my development is an act of sabotage and refusal. how many addicts need die, so i GET the point that one is never enough for people like me and my only guard against that one is a program of continued spiritual growth? this morning, not one more!
anyhow time to try to get this posted and get into work, it is a good day to be clean and be in recovery

∞ DT ∞