Blog entry for:

no matter what happens or where i need to go. there was once a time when i wanted my sponsor to make all the tough decisions in my life for me. you know, should i accept the pain medication from the dentist after having a tooth pulled, should i hang out in bars and shoot pool with my old drinking buddies, should i attend that annual orphan‘s christmas party, or should i part of a wedding party of an old using buddy. my theory in those days was that if my sponsor took the responsibility of making any of these decisions for me, he would be giving me permission to use. of course, my sponsor was smarter than that, and he never did make any of these decisions for me, instead he engaged me in the decision process so i could come to the conclusion for myself. those early days i started to learn that only i am responsible for my recovery and it was my self-will would lead me to a relapse. in other words only i could give me permission to relapse, no matter how hard i tried to rationalize, justify, spin, blame, or deflect responsibility.
so when i get to this reading as part of the annual cycle of what i need to do to stay clean on a daily basis, i always get a smirk on my face when i think back to those first days and how i tried to manipulate my way into relapse. i have shared before that i was not a consciously willing participant in this recovery gig, and i was doing my best to find a loophole and way out. i often wonder if i had put as much energy into staying clean as i had trying to find a way out, where i would be today. and then i move on to the next part of my day. today i understand that only i am responsible for making decisions that affect my recovery BUT before i make those decisions i NEED to make use of all the resources i have accumulated over time, namely my sponsor, my peers, my closed-mouth friends and my trusted associates. not only do i need to ask, i need to listen to what is being said before i start the decision-making process, after all it has been my experience that HP talks through others, and i can only hear that voice if i CHOOSE to listen. so who makes my decisions today, I DO and i accept full responsibility for the consequences!

∞ DT ∞