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this often requires not only my careful consideration but the guidance of my sponsor and complete surrender to a Higher Power. ultimately, however, the decision is mine as i am responsible for my own recovery. there are some days when i get this without question and others -- well i believe i can save my a$$ and my face at the same time, and therein lies this tale of woe and misery. oh no, this is not going to be one of those hopeless and dopeless tales, but it may contain elements of more than a little self-will. when i come across this reading, or at least today, i think about the time when i was self-sponsoring and not working a program, or rather not actively working a program. anyhow it is a tale i have told in the past, and one that does not need to repeated in all its gory details. what i did was make a decision to go out to New York City to visit one of my using buddies. well the trip turned into a tour of bars, strip clubs, and ended up with me paying for my friend to get high that night. i remember laying on the couch, saying the serenity prayer over and over and over again and wondering how i got myself into this situation as i listened to use and use and use and as i fought back the desire to say fVck it and join him. that three hours or so was the longest in my recovery.
the reason i went back to this colorful incident was the example of going to a party where alcohol will be served. although i do this often,. at least these days, other than the particular incident i have just described, i have not willing put myself in a situation where i know substances other than alcohol will be used. I KNOW, that without a doubt, i am POWERLESS over my addiction, I KNOW that i lack the strength to resist using mind-altering substances of any sort, so i take precautions to avoid having to see how powerless i really am. i do releish the tales of relapse i hear when they are prefaced about how strong they thought they were in their recovery strong enough to…
and although i hate to see the damage that sort of behavior wreaks, for me the object lesson is that the strength and the power to stay clean does not exist within me, PERIOD! even though i have walked through the flames before, does not mean that i will be able to walk through them again, because today i accept that without any reservations i am an addict, and ANY mind-altering substance, will reawaken my slumbering addiction. that is a consequence i am not willing to face, so it is one i do my best to avoid -- by the means offered to me through the program.
so anyhow, i am at the end of what i need to say. while the snow is not falling i am going to attempt my daily constitutional. it is after all another good day to be alive.

∞ DT ∞