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I AM ultimately responsible for my recovery and my decisions.
okay, as i sit here contemplating the answer to life the universe and everything this morning, i keep coming back to the FaceBook message i received at 2:11 AM this morning. i know i am responsible when someone asks for help, but the crux of my dilemma, is that i may be leading into a chain of events that jeopardizes my hard-won recovery. by the way. just for the books, the dilemma here was: do i respond to the request for help or do i ignore or redirect it to someone else. my decision was to post a return message with my phone number and leave it at that. i can tell you this, that although i tried to let it go, that decision was the largest thing separating me from hearing the loud quiet of the space within, as i did my 11th STEP this morning. once i allowed myself to feel the answer, into the oblivion, i plunged and i came out reassured that i had done the right thing. they now have information, and it is once again up to them to make the next move.
why, did i even need to consider this whole gig? well for one, this person, as desperate as they may now seem, has been a purveyor of all sorts of things that without a doubt would put any addict in recovery in danger. as for what happens if they decide to move forward and get clean, is something i am surrendering into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. each step forward, down this particular path, will be one i take with careful deliberation and consultation with the POWER that fuels my recovery as well as another recovering addict. for right now, i have several hours before i will hear back, and even then it could be days, weeks months or perhaps never, once again that i out of my control and i am consigning that into the more than capable hands of the POWER that fuels my recovery.
the second item that was on my agenda this morning had nothing to do with making a decision that would affect my recovery, as it has to do with the means one addict believes they are entitled to go to reach a particular end. no matter how noble or spiritual that end is, does it really justify shaming, coercing and manipulating others into doing something that is good for them? my take is that such an act, in the long run, ends up tainting the outcome, and those who succumb to this spiritual bullying will be less than grateful when it comes time pay up. i know that i certainly would be resentful once i figured out how i was conned into doing something i would have decided to do myself, had i been given the information in a different package. i know that this particular addict has been on this particular high horse for quite some time, and this just may be their swansong, with all of its ‘fowl’ implications. as i know they are not regular readers of this work, i hardly think my writing about it will make any difference in their determination to see this through. as sad as that fact is, it only goes to show that clean time DOES NOT EQUAL recovery, and what i do with the information that i have been given is yet to be determined. i can say this. I WOULD NEVER SIGN A FELLOWSHIP SERVICE CONTRACT, especially one that goes on for more than a printed page. when i decide to serve my fellowship, it is because the POWER that fuels my recovery tells me I NEED to, and not because some addict shoves a contract in my face and bullies me into signing it.
what does that have to do, with guarding my recovery? to start with, when i was using, when i figured out i got conned into doing something, i was pissed and i had to get “more than even.” which in most cases meant doing more damage to the offending party, than was done to me. while i am not proud of that behavior, i still feels the echoes of it in my life today. i am more than certain that when i discovered that i was played, i would react in a similar fashion. the passive side of me might choose to sabotage the service effort of those around me just to show them what i really thought of their fVcked-up ploy. the aggressive side? well i do not have any desire to contemplate where that reaction would take me. either way, the shame of such behavior, and having to swallow my pride, and admit i was wrong, and make amends for either of those behaviors, might become more than i can stomach, and BOOM there goes my recovery. in other words, my decision to succumb to bullying, would put my recovery in jeopardy, and today that is somewhere i choose not to go.
as i started to say at the top of this exercise, certainly an interesting day to have a reading about guarding my recovery. these sorts of things happen all the time. i have to make decisions affecting my recovery on a daily basis. today is not some out of the ordinary, living the reading sort of morning, it just is and i just am. what is it that i am today? another garden-variety addict doing my best to stay clean and live by the spiritual principles i have been taught. where will the two decisions i have made this morning lead to? i do not know, BUT what i am certain of, is that by writing about them, as well as allowing them to be a part of my ELEVENTH STEP this morning, i am ready to move down the paths of events they have and will trigger, which may be nothing at all.
it is time to hit the streets and take the extra weight off my mind, that i am burdening myself with this morning, oh yeah, as well as the excess calories i consumed yesterday. before i go, i will leave you with this thought:
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ADDICTION BUT I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY RECOVERY.

∞ DT ∞