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am ultimately responsible for MY recovery and MY decisions. this morning i could go a couple of directions with this. there certainly has been enough irresponsibility around in my personal life as well as in the lives of some of those who i am closest to, to focus on responsibility. i could also go on about the season of relapses, that seems to be never ending lately. what i am finally going to settle upon, is a blend of those two themes and how it affects me, in the here and now. i get that i am responsible for my recovery. there are days, when i am less than spiritually fit, when i want to blame all my miseries on those around me. Tuesday was one of those times. i hated the meeting from the time the first member opened their mouth and it went downhill from there. i knew when i did my 10th step Tuesday night, there was something more going on, as the meeting was not really that bad. the flow of bromides and bumper stickers was actually at an all time low. the blathering on about nothing at all, was practically nonexistent and everything that was shared was mostly about recovery and living clean and none of this bullsh!t about how proud i am, that i often hear spilling from the mouths of some of our members.
so what the fVck was the problem? me of course, with a quick application if the two a$$hole rule! it comes down to the feelings of sadness and remorse i get when someone i care about disappears from the rooms and is more than likely using. oh yeah, the jealousy i feel that they can use without consequences and yet i am certain that path will not work out for me. i want to get away with something. i want to have another tool at my disposal in my internal war against feelings. i want to be able to get away and never leave my living room. i want to act like a sh!t and have no regrets. i want to stomp over everyone and everything, knowing full well that all i have to do is walk back into the rooms and give it some time and everyone will love me again.
all of that and so much more and none of it a symptom of spiritual fitness!
knowing that and writing that, all of a sudden it is clear, what i need to do next. let go of my petty jealousies and envy, accept that i have the best possible life for myself and step back into being powerless not only over my addiction, but the addiction of others as well. those who i love, that are out using? well i can be sad about their decisions. i can pray that they find a way back to recovery, before the consequences get too severe and i can grateful that today, that is not the path i choose to take. when i get all butt hurt that someone else is out living the so-called life, it is easy to forget, what that life really looked like for me, before coming to recovery. the real question is: do i want that back? and the answer is no way, i have it pretty sweet right now. so my decision is that just for today, i will remain a member of the no matter what club and do the next right thing. which happens to get off of my butt and get to work.

∞ DT ∞