Blog entry for:

challenging decisions seems to be something i do on a daily basis, at least these pandemic times. the examples provided in the reading this morning, once loomed so large in my whole process, that they often overwhelmed me. some days clean, some steps written and shared with a sponsor and some days of actually implementing a spiritual principle or three in my daily life have diminished those **threats** to my clean time and recovery, as i can CHOOSE not to drink in any social situation these days.
please do not get me wrong, it is no that alcohol or other “socially-acceptable” substances have left the building of the part of me i call addiction. i often trip over an idle thought or three of maybe, just maybe, just this once i can use just one and be okay with that on a fairly regular basis,especially in these times of turmoil and isolation. i would love to say that i “play the tape” to its inevitable outcome, but i do not. what i CHOOSE to do, however, is ask whether or not a “chemical vacation” from reality is truly the “solution” to what i am feeling. each time i ask that question, i see that, just for today, that is nothing but a temporary “fix.” the overarching fact of my life, is that i accept that i am an addict and using is an option i can CHOOSE each and every day, and i CHOOSE not to do so.

Nathan W.
EIGHT (8) years clean!
Congrats on making it through life on its own terms!

this morning, when faced with how to change up my routine to make today feel like a weekend, i decided that maybe i might want to do something different and push off getting “socially acceptable,” until after my work out. i am going to make my daily trip to get my coffee beverage. i am going to my home group, virtually anyhow and i am going to take a very long walk, with a cloth mask on. what i am not going to do, is rail against the unsettled parts of my daily life nor rebel against the current set of recommendations that have come down from “on high.” i am going to do my best to accept that there are those who do not what it means to live as a guest in close contact and allow myself to feel the frustration and anger that i feel when i react to what their inability to be a part of a relationship and the fact that i understand what that means, as i have been there and done that as well.
the largest challenge to my recovery these days, is accepting i do NOT know when all of this will end and how i am going to “deal” with the next thing that “trips my trigger.” what i am certain of, is that i CHOOSE not to use today and i CHOOSE to be open with how i am feeling and to allow those feelings to die of their own natural causes, just for today.

∞ DT ∞