Blog entry for:

although the reading focuses specifically on arrogance, i can see that most of my other character defects protect me from getting hurt, by separating me from the rest of the world. and with such a defensive wall built, one might wonder if i was abused, sodomized and imprisoned as a youth. well truthfully none of that trauma happened when i was growing up or even as an adult, the only person who ever abused me was me! of course i could not accept that fact when i was using, nor even in early recovery. in fact while in treatment , i took a bit of evil pleasure when we did our family of origin exercises, finally i thought, i will reach into my repressed memories and find ’THE EVENT‘ that my parents perpetrated on me that caused me to be an addict. all the blame would be shifted on to them, and i could be excused! much to my dismay, at least in those days, nothing of that sort occurred. BUMMER! now i was also responsible for my behaviors while using as well as my recovery! so the wall had to crumble, and i had to let those who loved me into my world. the wall erected by character defects like arrogance, conceit, judgementalness, and braggadocio no longer served a good purpose, unless of course i wanted to return to the using life again.
so here i sit, more than one day past my last use, considering if i am truly ENTIRELY ready for ALL of my character defects to be removed. and considering whether the wall still serves to protect me or harm me. and honestly, there are days when i feel that i am grateful to be protected from the storms of the outside world by the remnants of my defensive wall. but most of the time i see it as an impediment to my spiritual growth, in fact i finally picked up the pen and started to move forward with my step work once more. it may not have been a ton of work, but it was a start, and soon enough i will be formally involved with a sixth step again, but not today! today, i am ready to let those who care for me in and drop the wall that much more, by letting go of the defects of character that keep me isolated. and for right now, that is a good thing!

∞ DT ∞