Blog entry for:

wisdom and the challenges of my peers in recovery.
every time one of these sorts of reading comes barrelling down the pike, i **GET** to find the ways and means to beat myself into a spiritually bloody pulp. i take the license the beat my chest, bow down low and grovel how unworthy i am for anything in my life, after all, i am still plagued by my defects of character and i can offer numerous examples of why i deserve the pummeling i give myself. right here and now, i have already opened the door to a similar share, and before i get to carried away in the ecstasy of self-martyrdom, i need to say that: yes, i am flawed and still behave in a not so stellar fashion when one of those very safe and protective defects gets activated, that is just what it is. tempering that statement with another bit of reality, is even though i still have character defects and still behave wrongly,. most of the time it is a choice and not an autonomic response to stimuli. when i put it that way, well, that makes it even worse, as then i take responsibility and cannot fall back on the ego-saving meme, “the devil made me do it.”
my obsession with what my peers are and are not sharing at meetings lately goes to my sense of self and what i believe i am entitled to, in the here and now. where the heck did i get the notion that i needed to be catered to, by my peers, members or not. believe it or not, based on my recent spate of misbehavior, somehow i have returned to the notion that it is ALL about me, and my little dive into 12 step work the other evening, started the process of pulling my head out of my arse and returning to the reality of life in the rooms. the fact is, there will always be posers, there will always be supremes, and there will always be those who want something for nothing. i have played all of those roles, most of the time because one of my character defects was activated and i believed i NEEDED to to protect myself from the cold harsh light of reality. today, it is jealousy and envy that is driving my self-will and judgementalness in this arena of ideas. i want to behave just like those members and although i could, there would be a price to pay, one that i am no longer willing to cough up: isolation from the very source of my ideas about how to do this gig. so i rant, i rave, i deprecate and then i have to go back and correct my wrongs. good thing it is mostly myself that i need to admit my wrongness to, and repair that damage, as i really, really, really hate admitting that i am wrong and need to apply the corrective part of STEP 10.
i no longer see myself as a collection of defects or a defective character. i see myself as a human being and an addict in recovery. i share a legacy of defects and shortcomings with the whole of the human race and just as my peers are doing, i strive to free myself from the weight of acting on the burdens. sure, i understand that i am powerless over my defects of character and i need to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to do ITs work. what i need to be is willing and whenever possible choose the spiritual rather than easy path on which to trod upon. on that note it is time to wrap this up and head on down to give my employers their pound of flesh today.

∞ DT ∞