Blog entry for:

to my proper place among others.
interesting example in the reading this morning and one that will play out across the course of my day today. arrogance, what it did and does for me, and how willing am i to have it removed.
what i heard , however, was the nugget of a different gem to write about, being restored to a sense of who and what i really am. i often wonder, when i take the time to chase down this rabbit hole, what i would have been like, had i never picked up, that very first time. the parallel universe where i was not beset by THE overarching need to get high, all the time, as it were. would i still have spun down into a state, where no one but me mattered. would i have still needed to boost my esteem at the cost of others? would i have still isolated and cut myself off from the world under the false hope, that if i do not let anyone in, they cannot hurt me? would i still have walked around as the self-declared Master of the Universe?
as interesting as i find those parallel constructions, dwelling there is far from a healthy manner in which to address my defects of character today. oh i could, pretend that they have become magically delicious, morphed into assets. i could dismiss, any need for me to work on them, as that is the job of the POWER that fuels my recovery. or, of course i can just ignore them and say that yes, i am ready for them to be removed, but do nothing to foster that notion. the truth is, i play that ostrich game or blame the POWER that fuels my recovery, for not being quick enough to make me whole, more often than i really want to admit to. when i start looking at my part in this processes, i see that pretending and blaming will not further my cause of becoming the sort of person i have always wanted to be. what i have learned across the days i have been in recovery, is that: sure it is okay to become entirely ready, BUT if i truly wish to be be more than the sh!t i was, when i walked into the rooms, i NEED to surrender those behaviors that foster my division from those who can help me, and pay attention to what is going on inside and out.i NEED to take a daily inventory and see where i lived by spiritual principles and where i lived in the behavioral shortcomings that come from my defects of character. i NEED to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to provide the guidance i need by fostering that relationship and i NEED to remember first and foremost, although i am powerless over addiction, i am not powerless over the behaviors that arise from what i once thought i was.
ahhhh, back to the **GOD** notion again, as it always seems to end up for me lately. here is where i can return to the middle of the boat, however, and it is what i have been hearing over and over again. yes, i have stepped away from what is seen as the norm, and i am quite certain, that just for today i will not return to the center of that normal notion. the nice part is that even with all of that true, i need not separate myself nor become judgmental or self-righteous towards my peers who have not made this unique and particular journey, GOD is GOD and i cam leave it at that. as i walk into work with a sponsee today, i can see that i need to carry that attitude with me as well. GOD is after all just GOD, and i can live with that today. perhaps, after all is said and done, i am truly approaching the end of my ELEVENTH STEP and need to move along. i certainly need to move into my next task of today.

∞ DT ∞