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would be gained by having everything that blocks me from becoming the person i have always wanted to be, removed? on some days, that question is just rhetorical. on others, i get glimpses of what i could become and become entirely ready. this blog could go two ways from here, i could either beat myself up for not be willing enough, or go on and on about how **great** life is, with what has been diminished to the point of being nearly undetectable. been down both of those of paths, more than once, so today i will say that the progress i have observe, is one of the **pay-offs** for living the steps. like many of my peers, i can be like a broken record and keep repeating the same old story. the challenge for me, when i do this little bit of a brain dump, is to keep it fresh and relevant to where i am today.
what my “broken record” has been lately, is how anxious i am about the results of my biopsy on Thursday, the reservation that i had never vocalized and how can i distract myself from the the darkness that feels as if it consume me. the moments i get FREEDOM from all of that, is when my peers reach out to me and share their experience, strength and hope. yesterday, i finally “told” on myself at my home group and the support i got during the meeting and the phone calls afterwards, lifted me out of the pit of despair i keep sinking down into. i could breathe for a minute, without streaming videos, running around town looking for stuff to buy or creating “chores” for myself. that freedom, no matter how brief was a gift and it has given me the ability to sit with who i am and learn to wait patiently for the results that will not change, no matter how much i worry about them. that freedom gives me the opportunity to see how i am gifted beyond my wildest dreams, with a life that does matter. once upon a time, i would have welcomed a quick and tragic demise, these days not so much.
the meeting this morning may have been a “love fest” with few broken records, but it gave me what i needed for seventy-five minutes that the meeting lasted, connection and HOPE. those are two of the things that have been lacking in my life over the past few days, or at least until i shared what was really up with me, yesterday. just for today, i feel a bit of acceptance about not knowing. just for today, i feel a bit of HOPE that maybe the results will not be as bad as i expect. just for today, i can finish what i want to do, and maybe get a nap in. life is not all that bad, today. i will go with that and see how the rest of this twenty-four, plays out.

∞ DT ∞